Things I want to say to my parents and brother, Part One

I'm sure that there will be many more parts to this.

*******

TO MY FATHER:
What a twist you have put on Thanksgiving. Do you forget that you and S make a huge stink about how "we ate what we were given and that was that"? You even banged your fist on the table! Suddenly, I'm the domineering mother because I was trying to get C to eat 3 bites of potato??? And incidentally, I was ONLY pushing the issue because I didn't want to hear your shit and catch your attitude about giving him just a corn muffin for dinner. I can't win when it comes to C's food issues. When I bring him a special meal, I get snide comments and under the breath mutters. When I don't, I get accused of forcing him to eat something that he "clearly had no motivation to do".

TO MY BROTHER:
I NEVER slapped C over trying the potato. In fact, that has NEVER been our MO to get C to try a new food. New food is not disciplined; it is encouraged and cajoled. If anything, you could accuse me (us) of coddling to him. THAT would have, at least, been situational. But, all three of you have obviously sat around and made up stories in your head until it sounds right to you and places every single bit of the blame on me.

Oh, and YOU were under a tremendous amount of stress??? We own a business. We are in a lawsuit. We have an autistic child. Want to compare stress levels??

The Long and the short of it

So, my father wrote me back. I find it fascinating that I wrote my apology in April, and my brother and father respond within days of each other.

His letter is extremely long and extremely inflammatory. I debated whether to post it, because it is so completely self-indulgent and memememe, not to mention that there were things that were brought up that happened 20 years ago (and have no relevance to the argument on Thanksgiving - make sure to remember what actually transpired on that day, written less than 24 hours after the blow-up, as it differs vastly from what my family has chosen to recall) and those things from the past and Thanksgiving are completely twisted, incorrect and missing vital pieces of the story. But, I put it here for a couple of reasons.

First, I want to remind myself that these things were said. MONTHS after an argument. Not in the heat of the moment, but cold and calculated. Said to hurt. Said to be "right". Said because he feels justified in speaking words of hatred.

Second, I want to show exactly what I have dealt with all of my life. These are things that shouldn't be said from a father of any kind.  I have actually addressed some of these issues that he brings up in previous posts.  

He re-writes my apology letter and then, in the end, tells me that he won't accept my apology because I didn't take responsibility for my actions. He then goes on a tirade about how very important he is in his school district and how well-versed he is on autism. Incidentally, having navigated two districts in the Florida school system, there is no way that he is considered a "Specialist" of any kind on autism. These people have Masters degrees in Special Education, with certifications in Autism. He has neither. He also deals with middle schoolers, an entirely different animal than a 6 year old with autism. Notwithstanding, every child with autism is unique.

On with the show.

Dear Calendula:

I am sorry that it has taken me this long to digest what happened in my home almost a year ago and respond to your letter. I’m sure you are not going to like what I am saying in this email, but it is my perception — and therefore, my reality.

Following, is a copy of your email and my comments (my thoughts as I read it):

*******************************

Dear Dad, Mom and S:

I have been praying about this situation (What situation? By not precisely identifying “the situation” leaves an ambiguity and lack of full responsibility.) since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility (This implies that others have responsibility for what happened as first actors not reactors.) in all of this.

I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. (Should have said, “not anyone’s fault but my own.” The way it is worded implies shared and equal fault.) I realize that we are all responsible (Should have said, “I am responsible for my actions…”) for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond (This implies that something happened (by someone else — us!) for which you had cause and were justified in reacting the way you did.) in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.

Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you. (We are all guilty of this. Αγάπη is the most difficult love to achieve.)

I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C (Points the finger at us and blames us for the problem at Thanksgiving.

Additionally, I am considered a resource in the M County School District when determining what accommodations and modifications need to be used in the classroom to assist autistic children in their learning.

So far, I have had nine autistic students. In all cases, the students seem to be able to function without any problems in my class. For some of them, my class is the only mainstream classroom within which they are allowed to stay. The rest of their subjects are learned in an ESE environment.

I have been visited by the District Psychologist and the District Social Worker numerous times in the last two years so that they could observe what I do, and write the procedures up to be followed by the rest of the Middle School teaching staff throughout the county. This was initiated three years ago when two students were classified as “special needs” and moved to ESE classrooms. These two students begged, and actually broke down in tears, to be left in my classroom. After being unable to console the students, (they were in separate classes) the guidance councilors, along with the district psychologist, determined that the best thing for the students was to leave them in my room since they were functioning and performing.

The District personnel were impressed that I didn’t treat the students any different than the mainstream students, and that I was able to discern the difference between Autism and normal preteen behavior. They now, for my school only, call me in to assist in evaluating whether a student should be classified as a special needs child and enter a Child Study category to eventually be placed in ESE for whatever reason (Autism, ADD ADHD, etc. and even Tourette Syndrome) or is it just normal preadolescent behavior or behavior driven by the emotional needs of the student based on his/her home life.

I have not gained my knowledge of Autism from only experiencing one child, nor have I learned about the disability from the Internet. I have taken classes and spent almost 200 days a year for an hour a day for the last three years working with, observing, talking with, and laughing with autistic children. I am not saying I know anything about younger autistic children, but saying I have no tolerance and no understanding is way off the mark.) or our feelings about him, (What feelings?) but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part (Again, implies that we share equally in the problem created at Thanksgiving. And, if we do have a part, this letter does not forgive anything nor does it beg forgiveness for the actual altercation that took place as a result of you forcing an issue.) of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I do love all of you.

Calendula

****************************

Now, as to the day:

Immediately upon your arrival, I could see something was amiss. It was as if you were mad at the world. Soon after you arrived, you proceeded to snark at R and C. And you continued up until we sat down to dinner. Something happened that morning before you came to visit. Something that hurt you and angered you greatly.

Now, let’s clear up why I left the table. I could stand to watch no longer, you forcing C to eat something for which he had no desire regardless of his motivation. And speaking of motivation, I cannot fathom a guess at yours except to force your will upon C. My question is, Why did this have to take place at a family diner? Why couldn’t you have tried this at home?

Upon making C eventually gag and vomit, it seemed totally unreasonable to continue your insistence. I did not invite you, R, C, S, and S’s girlfriend to my table to see a demonstration of a domineering mother horrify her child. For whose benefit was this? Who were you trying to dominate, C, R, or the whole family? And, why? So you could have the whole group’s attention on you? If so, it worked.

Then, to my disbelief, after I left the table, you began verbally ripping your mother to pieces. You were relentless and could not be comforted. It was somewhat unbelievable that two people leaving the dinner table could cause that much anger, hostility, and violence from you. It was as if we had been fighting all day long, and finally you had had enough.

It was as if you were a teenager again, having a tantrum. But you are almost 40! When will you realize that you should act respectful to your parents? Notice I used the work ACT. You may not feel it, but you should act it. When will you realize, that by doing what you did on Thanksgiving Day, you showed C that it is okay to talk back to your parents, to yell at them, swear at them, strike them?

Additionally, you said a number of things that not only did I hear, but also, so did the neighbors. From the front yard, you spouted profanity and threatened to kill S. From the back yard, you said to C, “Come on C, we’re going.” To which he said he didn’t want to leave. You then said in an angry tone, “Fine, then I’m leaving without you.”

What kind of message does that send a little child? My mom will leave me at the drop of a hat? But, I didn’t do anything!

Then, there were your last words to me:

As you were backing out the sliders on your way to the yard, I said, “Calendula, calm down.”

You yelled back, “Go f _ _ _ yourself.” And out the door you went.

I agree with you, we cannot get together. Maybe we never will be able to visit face to face ever again. And that breaks my heart to think of it. There is so much you have pushed to the deep recesses of your mind with which you need to reckon and come to terms. You need to invest some time in yourself to exorcize the demons that are plaguing you. By not doing so, those pieces of your past will continually unsettle your subconscious mind, and you will never have peace.

One final conundrum. We all make decisions that, good or bad, play out throughout our lives and affect how we treat others. When you were rebelling against us and spending time with J, after we found out he had a criminal record and pleaded with you to walk away from him, and we had experienced enough of your disrespect for our home and the peace we attempted to maintain, we gave you a choice to either not see him any longer and stay in our home, or if you insisted on staying with him, you had to leave our house.

We knew that every moment spent with him would continue to deteriorate the sweet soul and kind heart of the little girl somewhere still inside. This choice was presented to you in a calm and controlled manner. Your response was, “How much time do I have?”

Later we found out from you that, on our wedding anniversary, when you stayed out all night with him, he raped you. You said that happened. We didn’t hear it from anyone else.

The statement that he raped you begs the question: Why would you stay with a person who raped you? And why would you blame us for, in your mind, “kicking you out of the house?” You had a choice, and you made it. Bringing this up again during your tirade on Thanksgiving showed me that you are not facing the reality of the situation. You were living in our home, a home we worked hard to make a castle of peace and a harbor from life’s storms. It wasn’t perfect, but we always strove for excellence. You could have stayed.

However, even after you chose J over your family and threatened to sue us because you couldn’t get public assistance, we continually attempted to help you. And by the way, do you know why you were refused public assistance? It was because we told the social worker that you could come back home. But of course, you refused — choosing to stay in a less grotesque situation, in your mind. A situation where you felt you were less controlled. I think if you really analyze the two environments, your family life and your life with J, you will realize that you jumped from the frying pan into the proverbial fire.

For over a year, you chose not to communicate with any of us. I can handle rejection — I’ve had it all my life. But your mother didn’t deserve to be rejected by someone for whom she placed her own life and professional career on hold. She was always there for you, never missing anything. She fought for you, cried with you, laughed with you, and loved you 24/7. I wonder, of all the other friends you had, did they have a mother so loving, kind, wise, and accessible? And how much longer will you have yours?

Then, one New Year’s Eve you called and begged us to come get you away from him. We put our snacks away, placed the perishables back in the refrigerator, poured our drinks down the drain, and a little after 11:00 pm, we drove to your location. We celebrated the passing of the old year in tears while driving back home without you.

You stood on the sidewalk, in the weather, hugging a stuffed animal, unable to step into our car and escape the evil with which you chose to align yourself. Yet, you blame us for your fate, a fate you chose. Our plan for you was to attend college. We had arranged loans and grants. But you chose him.

You are responsible for your decisions. We brought you up, exposing you to all the positive tools for living a happy life. But in your rebellion, you forgot the basic principals of a healthy Christian existence. Now, looking back, what did you accomplish? And what are you still accomplishing by your continual rebellion?

There were house rules in place to maintain peace and respect for others. We had another child to think about, and your only concern was for yourself with no regard for anyone else. You were destructive. You didn’t want harmony. It was as if you detested it.

Please take the time to think through your past, no matter how painful, and find the reality of your time with us. You may need someone who is licensed in helping people do this. Until you face reality, you will always have this pent-up anger. And, your spirit will never be at peace. You must determine with whom you are really angry. R? C? S? Me? Mom? Every other person in your life. God? Or you? It’s time to deal with the truth. It’s time to realize that everyone else is not to blame for your life.

Regardless of the situation, and your last words to me, I love you, and I always will. And, I pray you find peace in this life.

Dad

Holy crap, these things just jumped out at me as I was reading about others' experiences with toxic parents.

She doesn't have as much time or opportunity to pretend to be the hero rescuing my children (which means one has to play the role of a victim she can focus her attention on and then someone else gets to be singled out as the bad guy).

That is what they are doing!! Holy crap! They are trying to pretend to be the hero, rescuing C!

I broke off all communications with my parents last year. They are both toxic individuals towards me. Yet I still keep yearning for a relationship with them. I'll be honest here, there were some terrible times with them but there were some good times too. I can't understand why I still want to see them or hear from them. Am I a glutton for punishment? They are both in their seventies now and let's face it won't be around for ever. I tried to talk to them about my "recovery" and was told that I was mentally ill and always had been. Deep inside I wish I had a "normal" family but am coming to the realization that this won't happen. Yet, I wish

That is exactly how I feel.


1) You Aren't Responsible For What Your Parents Did To You As a Child, They Are
2) You Are Responsible For What You Do With Your Life Now, Your Parents Aren't

I need to GET THIS. They are not responsible for what I do with my life. Therefore, they not only have no say but have no right to have an opinion about it.


Acceptance. This is how it is.

Not how it:
was
might have been
should have been

Not how I:
want it to be
hoped it would be
planned it to be

I accept that this is how it is.
And now I will get on with my life in a positive way.

Like anything else. The ability to cope with toxic parents and accepting that you cannot change their behaviors….takes practice. And this practice may not produce visible results for quite some time. However, ridding yourself of the fallout (the negative emotions) from dealing with toxic parents:

• the anger
• the depression
• the frustration
• the sadness

will hopefully provide enough incentive necessary to accept and move on with your life. One statement. One step. At a time.

And, a link to read over and over again:

http://www.brighthill.net/innerchild/toxic_parents.htm

Can the hits just STOP?

Besides the ups and downs with C, our business situation is a mess right now. The lawsuit is still dragging on, it has destroyed our credit (all of our lines of credit havebeen cancelled on us) and the insane amount of business debt is just crippling our business (especially in this economy).

As if that wasn't enough, I got a response from my *father* this morning. They have completely twisted everything that happened on Thanksgiving (I wrote what happened on Thanksgiving night, so Ididn't even have time to spin it), and he basically crucified me for everything that has happened in the last 20 years. He also twisted some other things, too., i.e., while working as a CNA, I tried to go back to school to become an RN and applied for Public Assistance. I was denied because, back then, if your parents would take you back in at 18, you couldn't collect. The account rep told me that I would have to sue for emancipation. My father twisted the hell out of this one... and actually brought it up. Sigh.

Yes, I'm sad that I have to close the door but I'm not closing the door on much, to begin with. My family is just hateful. I'm worried, of course, that they will be vengeful (when I'm silent) and call HRS to try and hurtme. According to my father and brother, I'm just this horrible mother.To be honest, I wasn't even going to read it. And, then curiosity got the better of me. I knew better. And now, I am just completely wounded over the whole thing all over again.

They make me feel like I'm a horrible, horrible person. He actually picked apart my apology email (who does that?!?!?) and told me what I should have said. Then, he told me that, because I didn't take responsibility, that he did not accept my apology... since I didn't apologize for what I did. Now, THAT? That is on HIM.

Oh, he also told me that I have abandoned my Christian values. Basically, he tried to attack me in every possible way.

I feel so empty inside.

I'm still trying to figure it all out. I hate thinking that people are talking trash about me. My brother confirmed that they certainly are. I know that I am not crazy and I know it isn't just me.

Frankly, I have to just let it go. Nothing I can say will ever change the horrible things that they think of me and they are convinced that everything that happens is 100% my fault and they are not responsible for their actions; I am. I can't fix that level of denial and blatant refusal to accept responsibility for themselves. I tried to do the right thing by telling them that I was sorry and that I was owning my own poor decisions and actions. Too bad that all three of them are martyrs and think that things happen to them, and they play no part in any of it.

I just feel, right now, that I keep getting a mirror shoved in my face so that I can examine what's wrong with me. I wouldn't have a problem with that if it wasn't expected to be one-sided. It seems as if I am supposed to atone for my sins and acquiesce, but I better keep my opinions to myself because, after all, I'm "loud and opinionated".

I'll get through this.

IDIOT

I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot: my brother for writing this piece of trash, or ME for actually thinking that doing the right thing towards them would yield a positive result.

Remember that I wrote a simplistic apology email and took responsibility for my own actions, stating that I did not have to react the way that I did.

Apparently, it is all my fault; what I did, what they did. Of course it is. But, the way that things are "remembered" is beyond stunning. I chose the wrong time to force my child to eat an unfavored food (did he forget his unsolicited opinion on how 'we ate what we were given', which I was actually trying to do so that I could avoid an altercation??), I reprimanded and slapped C for not eating potatoes (neeeeeever happened and has never been how we approach a food aversion with C), I attacked my mom (so, how did the container of corn muffins that I had in my arms end up on the floor in front of the front door? Did my mother forget that she came running up behind me, grabbing my entire head of hair as I was leaving her house and I defended myself? Or, did she leave that small, little detail out when crying the blues to my brother?), I attacked my brother (how, exactly, did I get so close to him that I was able to place my hand around his neck and push him across the room? Could it be because he was spitting in my face as he screamed at me?) and I'm just one, big bully and horrible mother. Oh, and Biblethumper, apparently (though I can't ever recall a time where I would have even bothered to quote scripture to my brother, who turned his back on the church years ago.)

Ironically, I was just speaking with M, one of my oldest and dearest friends (of 20+ years), today who asked me, "I don't understand why you felt the need to apologize for anything. They're not ever going to change. You need to walk away." And then I get this in my inbox.

I should know better, but when three people (three family members) are all telling you, "You're crazy", you start to believe it a little bit. You start to question every single relationship in your life and wonder if this is how you are actually perceived to others; to friends.

Incidentally, this email was undeniably coached by my mother. It has her handiwork written all over the style, especially the incorrect use of commas. I also tend to think that someone either showed them or talked to them about what I wrote on my blog or in a private email about that day. This email is awfully contrived, answering questions and allegations that I never addressed in my apology email... but were definitely posed on my blog.

Anyway, on with the show.

---

Calendula,

I have been thinking about how I wanted to respond to your letter since I received it. I am still not sure of what I want to say. One thing I do want to say is that your perception of what caused me to leave the table was not accurate. At no point did I, have I or will I blame your son for anything that happens. I got up from the table because of the tension that was being caused. I have nothing but love for your son and for you to think that I am intolerant of him or his special needs and circumstances, just shows me how much you don't know me. I left the table because of you.

On a daily basis I was in an environment that I don't wish on my worst enemies. The last thing I needed was more tension and turmoil. I know everyone has their own set of problems so I don't choose to share much of mine with other people. So that being said, you couldn't have known, that I would not be able to handle what was happening at dinner. In regards to that; there is a time and a place where broadening your sons pallet would be more then acceptable regardless of the reaction or consequences. Thanksgiving dinner is neither the time nor the place. When you started to raise your voice with C followed by a quick slap to the face, I tried to make light of it but all that happened is my stomach started having problems. This was not only from the elevated tension but from the gagging and the soon to follow vomit which thank God I didn't see. Did I get up with an attitude...Yes, and I admit that, but not because of C, again it was because of you.

You stated in your letter that "I did not have to choose to react and respond" by saying this you have quickly placed the blame and the cause of the whole incident on someone else. In order for there to be a reaction there has to be an action. So if I play things backward from the blow up, mom started getting yelled at by you, dad left the table because of the gagging and vomit, C was gagging and vomited, you forced C to eat potatoes,I left the table because of the tension and the discipline, C was being reprimanded and slapped, you slapped and reprimanded C for not eating the potatoes, C was pitching a fit because you were trying to force him to eat potatoes, you were forcing C to eat potatoes which you knew he didn't want to. No matter which way you look at it you put the whole thing in motion. I am saying it straight out so there can be no questions of my meaning, YOU are to blame for the whole thing. You were the action that caused the numerous reactions including your own.

Calendula, for as long as I can remember you have always been very loud and outspoken. That for some reason is who you are. I personally do not enjoy being around you. I feel terrible saying that but I am being truthful about my feelings. I was not going to come to Thanksgiving because I wanted it to be a relaxing day and I knew if you were there I would not be relaxed. I don't know if it is the sheer volume that you do everything in, or the high energy, or the feeling of chaos I get when I am around you. All I know is that I am very tense when our whole family is together. There is this feeling that I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around you and I won't do it anymore.

I want to make this very clear, I do not hold any grudges against you for anything in the past. I have moved way past that crap. Everything I feel currently is based on the time that has been spent since we have all lived in Florida. We have gone through times where we have gotten along great and times where we didn't. Most of the times we haven't is because you have gotten overly upset because you thought your child was being mistreated or misunderstood. I understand that C is the love of your life but everyone is not out to get him especially not me. Do I agree with the way you handle some of the things with C? No, but it is not my place to say and I don't have a child so anything I say will be ignored anyway. The problem is Calendula, that nobody can have an opinion that is different then yours. You say we will just have to agree to disagree but the way it is said and the attitude and feeling behind it makes it painfully clear that your opinion is the only one that matters. I have a hard time being around someone that I feel is a bully. You said a number of years ago that I was a bully to your son. I have never bullied anyone in my life. I have been bullied which is why I won't do it to anyone. You however are a bully. You have always been and probably always will be. You force your way and opinions on everyone and if they don't go along with you, you make it very unpleasant to be around you. That may not be the physical bully everyone thinks of but a mental bully is just as bad and sometimes worse. I spend most of my time biting my tongue because I don't want to start a fight, especially since mom doesn't get us all together very often, but someone needs to knock you down a few pegs and I am sorry I probably won't be there to see it when it happens. You want to quote scriptures and talk bible when it is convenient. Did Jesus force his ideas on people? Does God for that matter? People are given a choice to make their own decisions even as far as if they want to believe or follow God. Now if the most powerful thing that man has ever known can let people choose their own way, why do you have such a problem with it? Are you better then them? Until you start to practice what you preach, don't ever quote scripture to me again. I don't want to hear it from you.

Calendula, I will say this, and I am going to try and put this in a non threatening way because it is not a threat. You are never to touch mom, dad or myself in anger again. We are grown adults and whether you like what we are doing or saying or not, getting physical is not to happen again.

I give R a lot of credit and commend him for coming into the room to defend his wife. I am glad to know that he will defend and protect you when it is needed. Unfortunately in this case you didn't need to be protected, we did.

Calendula, I didn't start yelling at you. You came into the room and started to scream in my face. I calmly asked you "why are you yelling at me?" more then once, then I got loud. You put your hands on me, so I shoved you. Calendula, you need to remember that I was brought up not to hit a women, but if you go to far I will defend myself and at this point, with mom and dad at the ages they are, I will defend them too.

I guess the question that I need an answer to is this, did my getting up from the table upset C or you? Since I already know the answer, I'm curious what affect you think your actions had on C. I did nothing to harm or upset your son, but what you did very well may have left a life long impression. You should thank God that my girlfriend took C outside to play so that he didn't have to witness the insanity that ensued. Another question, what did mom do that warranted you blasting her for dad and I leaving the table? Why did you have to get angry and raise your voice? Why did you have to get physical? Why would you try to hit and kick me? Why did you have to let the whole neighborhood know there was a problem in our family? Why would you drag mom down to the ground by her hair? Why did you have to threaten to kill me? Calendula, you were intentionally trying to hurt. I am not sure why you have so much anger in you, but if it is about the past you need to let it go. If it is about something else you need to figure out what it is and deal with it. If I reacted in the same manner that was being projected, the fight with you would have been much shorter but then R and I would have been the ones settling things. If that is what you're trying to accomplish then bravo because it almost happened. Something snapped in your mind and you lost all control of yourself. Calendula, you need to figure out what is going on in your mind before any of us can even start to.

Asking for forgiveness from me is unnecessary. I forgave you along time ago before this even happened. The sad thing is I forgive you every time I am around you because I know that the person that I see is not who you really are. Somewhere in there is a beautiful, caring, understanding, sympathetic, loving sole. I think she has been lost for a very long time and hasn't been able to find her way out. Some day I hope to see her or meet her again.

None of what I have said is intended to hurt or offend you. I hope you can just see it for what it is, my feelings and my opinion right or wrong.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
- Galatians 5:22-23

Love,
Your Brother

So, I was absolutely right: they've all been sitting around and trash-talking me and twisting the story until it made sense for them in their narcissistic minds.

This entire email is one big hypocritical, contradictory line of bullshit. I especially like how he says that he hopes that someone knocks me down a few pegs (and wishes he could be there to see it) and, in the next breath, tells me how he forgave me a long time ago before this happened. But, my favorite part has to be the line about how he was raised not to hit a woman... by the man who not only hit his daughter with a belt until the day she left home at 18 but his own wife. Ooh, dirty little secrets that I bet he wouldn't want out. Yes, he used to hit my mother. It wasn't a daily thing, but does that matter? That, my friends, is a bully.

I admit it. I can't fix this. I am walking away and closing the door for good. Another dear friend told me, "You need to do absolutely nothing. You have been their scapegoat for years and now they're twisting C into the center of it. When they all realize that things still suck, you won't be there to blame anymore." That really spoke volumes to me. Sadly, Istill don't think that they'll get it even then. It won't be my fault anymore, but it still won't be theirs. I just have to accept that it is not MY mission to get them to look in the mirror.

Lies or not? It still hurt, though.

Clueless or calculating?

How is it even possible that someone that you're not even speaking to can still find ways to hurt you beyond belief?

When I mailed Mother's Day cards from both C and I, I received a "thank you" email, written more to C than me. When I sent off my mother's birthday cards (June 5th) from C and I, I never heard a response back. Undaunted, I planned on sending Father's day cards. As I placed them in the mailbox today and pulled out the mail from yesterday, I received a postcard from Paris with this written on it:

Hi C!!

This is the biggest letter A that I have ever seen! (reference to Eiffel Tower)

When we saw it, we thought of you! I bet you could build this with your Legos!! We miss you and love you bunches and bunches!

Love,

Grandma & Grandpa

And yes, it's authentic. French stamp, french postmark. So, they're too broke to buy a new car or rent one but can go to France. And, they can't travel 2 and 1/2 hours east to see their grandson, but they can travel overseas.

R said that he would send an email and ask if they really wanted me to give the postcard to C that shows that they'll travel to France but not to see him.

I'm utterly speechless and, frankly, brokenhearted. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep dealing with these types of things when they are either obviously clueless about how self-centered they are or they purposely throw daggers.

The more things change...

The more they stay the same.

I sent a pretty generic Mother's Day card from me and a card from C. I received a terse "thank you" email this morning. But, I also received... a forward.

Yep. She's sending me forwards again.

Something is going to change this time, however. Me.

Reponse

Sigh. I have to accept this. I received an email response from my mother:

Dear Calendula,

I forgave you the minute you walked out the door, on Thanksgiving Day.

I, too, have been praying for healing for our family everyday, as well as praying over you, R & C.

I have put my trust in God, and in His perfect timing, knowing that He alone knows each of our hearts. My prayer has been, and will continue to be until God calls me home, that our family will come to know healing and finally peace.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, and prayer filled, email. It means more to me than you can imagine.

I've tried to tell you, all of your life, how much I love you.

I pray that someday you will come to know the depth of my love for you.

You are my child, my first born. I knew you, and loved and wanted you, from the moment you were conceived. I carried you under my heart for nine months, and when you were born you came out from under my heart and went into my heart.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Mom

Oh, and she cc'd both my father and my brother.

I am trying so very hard not to judge and, instead, to look at the plank in my own eye. The email spoke to my forgiveness, but of course did not once mention her wrongdoings or ask for forgiveness for her responsibility. And, the email said the same stuff that it always says. They're words. The same words.

My mother also called my cell phone while C and I were taking a nap. I plagued over whether to call her back. I finally decided that I would, at the least, call her and let her know that I knew that I had missed her call. I don't want to play games. Well, I get her on the phone and I tell her that I saw that she had called while C and I were napping (and I clearly sound like a frog, since I'm pretty ill right now) and she told me that it was an accident and she hit the wrong button. Seriously? In 5 months, she hasn't accidentally hit that button but hit it today of all days? I told her that I just wanted to call her back and that I had gotten her email. Her response was that she has always loved me and someday she hopes that I'll understand just how much. I simply responded that I did understand that. She then told me that she was in the grocery store, it probably wasn't the best place to talk and that she hadn't meant to call because she wanted to respect my space. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Silly me. Part of me hoped that, even though she just can't seem to accept that she is responsible for her own actions, she would still want to have a pleasant conversation and would want to talk with C. Nope.

I need to keep praying.

About Forgiveness

Forgiveness, as a Christian, is a funny thing. It is not something that comes naturally to any of us. That doesn't change simply because you know Christ. What does change, however, is that we change from being driven by our own thoughts and emotions and understanding (which we are told not to rely upon because they are unstable and easily influenced) to knowing that we must try to emulate Christ. Why? Because we have been commanded, in love, to do so. Forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by our obedience to God and his command to forgive. Why? The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times."

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Matthew 6:14-16
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins

We are to forgive by faith, out of obedience. And, we trust God to do the rest. Isn't that hard? Yep. That's why it's called "faith". Anger doesn't go away, except with lots of prayer. Prayer for that person(s), prayer for ourselves. When we pray, we will begin to see that person as God sees them. He loves that person as much as He loves us, and none of us are without sin. It is not our place to judge that person for their sins. God tells us to drop our sins at his feet and he forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. When we are tortured by something that we have already asked forgiveness for, He does not remember it. We are supposed to strive to do the same thing. I have been keeping a private blog as a dumping ground for those very things. When something tries to rear its ugly head again, I can go back to that blog and see that I have already written about it and have released it. No more anger over those things. That anger only hurts me.

Psalm 32:3-5
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD"—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

And, that's where I am. I decided to write an apology to my parents and brother. When I first told a close friend, she became angry for me. She wanted to know why I am always the one who reaches out. Why I always feel as if I have to "fix" things. Why I think that I need to apologize for anything? I explained that, for the first time, this was different. The other times, I was doing it for me. For approval. To heal discord. To mend a bridge for C. This time, I was doing it because this is what Christ requires of me. I must ask, with a pure heart, for forgiveness. Let's face it: I am not innocent in the things that happened on Thanksgiving. I could have walked away peacefully. No matter what they said or did (and no matter how wrong it was), I DID NOT HAVE TO REACT. But, I did. And now, I must atone for that to God. I must ask for forgiveness. What they do with that is up to them. They don't have to forgive me. In fact, I doubt that they will. But, I am only accountable to one place: my job is to do right by God.

Here is the letter:

Dear Dad, Mom and S:

I have been praying about this situation since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility in all of this.

I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. I realize that we are all responsible for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.

Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you.

I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C or our feelings about him, but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I do love all of you.

Calendula

Had a FB conversation with T (psychologist friend) and wanted to post it here, so that I could remember and build upon it later.

T WROTE:

As far as the stuff about your parents, I still think that it is perfectly fine for you to choose not to have a relationship with them. I'm not sure if that's the validation you're looking for, but I woudn't let anyone tell you that you should be doing more or that you owe it to C to have them in your life or anything like that. I don't agree. As far as forgiveness for your own peace, and that sort of stuff, I really think the only one that knows what you need is YOU. I am all for prayer, and asking God for guidance. I agree that if you do chose to have contact with them again, keeping visits short is definitely the way to go. I am NOT one for the path of least resistance (I even hate the term), but I do think that you need to expect your parents to say/do things that may stir up strong feelings and that you can only control your reaction and that's probably the best way to go. I do think that you should continue to parent C the way you would if they weren't there, not try to "make C happy" so they don't feel the need to intervene .... consistency is incredibly important with any child, but it's particularly important with kids on the spectrum. If your parents try to intervene just tell them you'll handle it and ignore whatever they say after that.

I don't know if any of this helps. I'm still really POed at your parents for the whole Thanksgiving fiasco. If you can get past that, you're a better person than me! :-)

Counseling might help, although, like you said, it would probably take you months of sessions just to get through the background.

Why don't you start with this question: Knowing what you do about your parents, and the fact that they can only be who they are, do you really want them in your life, and if so, how? Or how much?

Well, I think that's all I have for tonight. I really need to go take some cough syrup and try to get to bed early.

I'll give you a call soon!

XOXO
T

Yeah, I have no idea what validation I'm actually looking for. LOL I think it is something between what you said about it being okay that I choose not to have a relationship with them combined with validation that what I've been through with them really IS dysfunctional and messed up. Sounds contrite and obvious, but I'm beginning to realize that I might as well have been brought up in a cult-like atmosphere and my brain is finally breaking free from it all, processing it. I wasn't allowed to dissent. Autonomy was frowned upon. The thought of becoming your own person and growing beyond their authority is unheard of and unspeakable, which is evidenced by the fact that I'm almost 39 and was still not entitled to my own opinions or methods of raising my own child. Annnnd, validation that all of that is incredibly abnormal and unhealthy! I know you're nodding your head saying, "yeah, yeah, yeah - of course it is" but my logical mind cannot seem to overcome the part of my mind that was brainwashed into thinking that I'm "bad" for going against this insanity. Throw in the whole "forgive seventy times seven" thing with God and I'm really messed up. I want to do the right thing, Christian-wise, but I'm not a fool, either.

My church is a very charismatic and pentecostal church, so people can tend to be "over the top", so to speak. That includes my pastor's wife. No, I don't think that *every*little*freaking*thing* is a "sign from God". Sometimes it's just life and earth and flesh and free will. No, I don't think that there was some almighty reason why God placed me in that situation with my parents, so that I would "learn" or "grow" or be able to "share". I believe that my parents abused their authority and that is their sin against God. BUT, I do believe that God gave me the strong will to cope through it. Otherwise, I would not be fighting the strongholds to this day. Now, the question is? What do I do with all of the baggage? Maybe I need to just start writing my own private (viewable to me and only me) journal/blog to release this stuff. And, maybe that's what I'm supposed to do with it. Like you said, we're talking months and months of background sessions if I talk to someone.

Your question was a good one: Do I really want them in my life and if so, how? Or how much? The answer is NOT AT ALL. There is so much less stress without them in my life. And, they won't be changing so that means that, if I allow them even the slightest entry into my life, the stress returns. You said, " you need to expect your parents to say/do things that may stir up strong feelings and that you can only control your reaction and that's probably the best way to go." That was actually the catalyst of Thanksgiving. I could no longer control my reaction to the strong feelings that they stir up. And, I didn't think that I deserved to torture myself with that anymore, either. :-/

Do I wish that I had parents in my life? Yes. But, not the ones that I have. Not the ones that are cynical and combative and passive/aggressive and judgmental and disapproving. I want supportive, accepting, nurturing, understanding parents. But, I don't have a set of those. That's like wishing that I had green eyes. I can look in the mirror at my brown eyes every day and wish that they were green, but they're not going to magically change any more than my parents will suddenly have an epiphany about how they should treat their offspring with love and respect.

Most of all, they just make me feel bad about myself! If one of them aren't bringing up something from the past that is condemning, they are making snide comments about C or how we raise (or don't raise) C or how we choose to live our lives. Anything from how C doesn't eat what/when we do to how we spend our weekends to what I do and don't have him involved in, you name it. My father compares my mothering to my own mother. He even went so far as to mention my clothing at one point and I said that I'm a stay at home mom and I live in jeans. R and I still joke about this comment, but it still cut deep. He said something like, "Well, your mother was never like that. She was always dressed to the nines." Uh, not when she had small children she wasn't. In fact, looking at the photo albums? She almost always had on jeans, a polyester shirt and a scarf on her head. At least I do my frickin' hair.

Make sure you give me a call this weekend so that you can spill about the stuff with J. And, THANK YOU for being angry for me about what happened at Thanksgiving. That, in and of itself, is validating.

xoxo

The List

Since my run with R, my head has been swimming. She said that I needed to list the offenses, so that I could move beyond them. I have a feeling that this is going to be a really long and ongoing list. And, I'm not sure how to move beyond them. In fact, I'm not even sure how to write them. But, here goes.

1. My father hitting me with the belt, up until the time I left home at 18. I was going to write "over the smallest thing", but as a mother, I can't fathom anything that could have warranted being hit with a belt. C exasperates me but the thought of hitting him in anger and/or with a belt? It makes me want to vomit.
2. The one time, in particular, when he hit me with the belt and chased me up the stairs. After barricading my door with my dresser, he broke through the door and continued to hit me as I tried to climb under the bed.
3. The other memorable time where he kept hitting me in the study, as I told him that I was not afraid of him and to hit me if it made him feel like a man. This is the only time that I remember my mother stepping in to stop the violence.
4. Raising me in fear of the belt. Backtalk was handled with the belt. Disobeying was handled with the belt. Getting angry about a situation was handled with the belt.
5. The fact that my mother never protected me, though she swears that she did. If she had, then the violence should have stopped. I think she was in fear that it would be turned on her.
6. Speaking of, I remember when I had stitches in my knee and my parents were fighting over something. My father grabbed my mother by the neck and cornered her in between the sink & butcher block. I punched him in the arm and pushed him, telling him to get off of her. He kicked me in the knee with the stitches.
7. The horrible way that he treated me when we went on the vacation to Virginia (15 years old?) and I had bronchitis. I couldn't stop coughing, which pissed him off. Then, when I would take the cough medicine, it would make me vomit. (I later found out that codeine makes me vomit and this was why) He swore that I was throwing up for attention (because everyone likes to puke, right?) We were in the hotel room, I started coughing and realized that I was going to throw up, so I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. As I came out, my brother saw me and asked me if I had just thrown up. Petrified, I asked him not to tell Dad. He heard the conversation and threw a shoe at me from across the room, which hit the wall and put a hole in the hotel room wall.
8. The incident with the black eye from my mother. I left in the late morning on the day before my junior year of high school to go to lunch with friends and didn't call all day. I came home by curfew at 10:00 pm and my parents were worried sick and angry about it. I caught a teenage attitude because I was home in time and was still in trouble, not understanding their concern from not checking in. We verbally argued and my mother jumped up and came after me. I stood up to defend myself, my father stood in between us. My mother reached over him and punched me in the face. I fell back in the chair and my father pushed my mother back across the room. As soon as she was sitting, I got up and looked at my eye in the bathroom. It was already purple within those short minutes and swollen shut. I went to the fridge, got ice and sat back down. My mother sneered that I was a faker and wanted to see my eye. I lowered the ice and she began to bawl that she was so sorry and crawled across the room to me. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do with that. We then had to sit and discuss the lie that I was going to tell about my eye. I was humiliated at starting my junior year with a black eye from my mother, and supposed to tell a lie that I walked into a door. I told a close friend and she went to my principal. I was called into the office, asked to tell the story (and had to tell the lie). My parents were called into the school and they, too, told the lie. Because it was more than 20 years ago and they didn't do the research that they do now, it was let go. To this day, my mother has convinced herself that she caught me with her ring (when she wore no rings on her right hand) and that I just bruise easily.
9. The withholding of love as a punishment. When they were angry with me, they wouldn't talk to me for days other than things like, "Pick up your backpack" or "We're taking your brother to soccer". I remember my 17th birthday like it happened yesterday. They wanted to have a family dinner. I wanted to go with a friend to the dance marathon. I was allowed to go, but was punished for it by returning home to silence. There was a card and a present on the counter for me when I walked in the door. They did not get up from the living room. I opened the present and it was a camera. I thanked them for the present and my mother looked up from her magazine and said, "Well, you're spending so much time with your friends, we figured that you'd want to take pictures of them." That was it for a birthday acknowledgment of my 17th.
10. The time I was caught sneaking alcohol out of the house for a birthday party. They decided to "teach me a lesson" by making me drink to get drunk and sick. The three of us sat at the table and they goaded me in between the times that they would tell me when to take a drink. After two drinks like this (an old fashioned and a gin and tonic), my father said sing-songy, "Let's see. I think I'll make you a manhattan now." He placed it in front of me and told me to take a drink. I was already tired of the dysfunctional punishment and downed the drink in one gulp. As I put the drink down, my father backhanded me across the face. I laughed because the entire thing was insane. They then sent me to my room. I was 17.
11. After I was sent to my room, they came barging in about 20 minutes later and "tossed" my room as if I was a jail prisoner. I'm not sure what they were looking for, since I had already given them the alcohol. My mother found my diary. She stood there and read parts of it out loud, mocking me. I stood there in silence. She then confiscated it for a week. When she gave it back, she apologized that she never should have taken it or read it. Not sure how that was supposed to change anything. I never wrote it my diary again. I wasn't going to take a chance that she would look for it and read it.
12. I was dating a guy who was bad news at the end of my senior year. He lived 30 minutes away. I had never been allowed to get my license, though my parents will swear that I showed no interest. In reality, they took me out for one lesson. If I had no interest, I suppose that I wouldn't have gotten it on my own two weeks after I left home. How did I leave home? Because I had no license, I got stranded at my boyfriend's house when his father had to work late. I called to tell my father that I had no way to get home. He scoffed, "Have fun." and hung up on me. When I finally got a ride home the next day, my parents gave me an ultimatum to break up with him or to get out by noon in two days. I was a teenager, so I just couldn't imagine breaking up with him. Besides, home wasn't exactly a pleasant place to be and I tried to be away from it as much as possible. On the day that I was supposed to be out, I asked if I could stay until 3:00, when I could get a ride. My mother said no. So, I had to walk on the highway. After 2 miles in, I was asked if I needed a ride. I accepted it and, fortunately, arrived unscathed. I still struggle with the fact that, due to my parents' mentality of "tough love", I could be dead because of my naivety.
13. I don't remember particular arguments, but my mother's mo was to slap across the face and yank my hair by the scalp. This, of course, came back into play in the argument on Thanksgiving 2008 when she didn't like that I confronted her about kicking both of her kids out of the house and she ran after me and grabbed my entire head of hair... at 38 years old.

That's all I'm going to write for now.

Passive aggressiveness at its best

In the box of C's Christmas presents from my parents were two books. I pulled the books for a couple of reasons. First of all, C would have cared less about them. Second, they would be of absolutely no relevance to C. Third? Judge for yourself.

R and I laughed out loud when we saw them. I think you can actually hear me say on the Christmas video, "What a joke."