Things I want to say to my parents and brother, Part One

I'm sure that there will be many more parts to this.

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TO MY FATHER:
What a twist you have put on Thanksgiving. Do you forget that you and S make a huge stink about how "we ate what we were given and that was that"? You even banged your fist on the table! Suddenly, I'm the domineering mother because I was trying to get C to eat 3 bites of potato??? And incidentally, I was ONLY pushing the issue because I didn't want to hear your shit and catch your attitude about giving him just a corn muffin for dinner. I can't win when it comes to C's food issues. When I bring him a special meal, I get snide comments and under the breath mutters. When I don't, I get accused of forcing him to eat something that he "clearly had no motivation to do".

TO MY BROTHER:
I NEVER slapped C over trying the potato. In fact, that has NEVER been our MO to get C to try a new food. New food is not disciplined; it is encouraged and cajoled. If anything, you could accuse me (us) of coddling to him. THAT would have, at least, been situational. But, all three of you have obviously sat around and made up stories in your head until it sounds right to you and places every single bit of the blame on me.

Oh, and YOU were under a tremendous amount of stress??? We own a business. We are in a lawsuit. We have an autistic child. Want to compare stress levels??

The Long and the short of it

So, my father wrote me back. I find it fascinating that I wrote my apology in April, and my brother and father respond within days of each other.

His letter is extremely long and extremely inflammatory. I debated whether to post it, because it is so completely self-indulgent and memememe, not to mention that there were things that were brought up that happened 20 years ago (and have no relevance to the argument on Thanksgiving - make sure to remember what actually transpired on that day, written less than 24 hours after the blow-up, as it differs vastly from what my family has chosen to recall) and those things from the past and Thanksgiving are completely twisted, incorrect and missing vital pieces of the story. But, I put it here for a couple of reasons.

First, I want to remind myself that these things were said. MONTHS after an argument. Not in the heat of the moment, but cold and calculated. Said to hurt. Said to be "right". Said because he feels justified in speaking words of hatred.

Second, I want to show exactly what I have dealt with all of my life. These are things that shouldn't be said from a father of any kind.  I have actually addressed some of these issues that he brings up in previous posts.  

He re-writes my apology letter and then, in the end, tells me that he won't accept my apology because I didn't take responsibility for my actions. He then goes on a tirade about how very important he is in his school district and how well-versed he is on autism. Incidentally, having navigated two districts in the Florida school system, there is no way that he is considered a "Specialist" of any kind on autism. These people have Masters degrees in Special Education, with certifications in Autism. He has neither. He also deals with middle schoolers, an entirely different animal than a 6 year old with autism. Notwithstanding, every child with autism is unique.

On with the show.

Dear Calendula:

I am sorry that it has taken me this long to digest what happened in my home almost a year ago and respond to your letter. I’m sure you are not going to like what I am saying in this email, but it is my perception — and therefore, my reality.

Following, is a copy of your email and my comments (my thoughts as I read it):

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Dear Dad, Mom and S:

I have been praying about this situation (What situation? By not precisely identifying “the situation” leaves an ambiguity and lack of full responsibility.) since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility (This implies that others have responsibility for what happened as first actors not reactors.) in all of this.

I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. (Should have said, “not anyone’s fault but my own.” The way it is worded implies shared and equal fault.) I realize that we are all responsible (Should have said, “I am responsible for my actions…”) for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond (This implies that something happened (by someone else — us!) for which you had cause and were justified in reacting the way you did.) in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.

Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you. (We are all guilty of this. Αγάπη is the most difficult love to achieve.)

I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C (Points the finger at us and blames us for the problem at Thanksgiving.

Additionally, I am considered a resource in the M County School District when determining what accommodations and modifications need to be used in the classroom to assist autistic children in their learning.

So far, I have had nine autistic students. In all cases, the students seem to be able to function without any problems in my class. For some of them, my class is the only mainstream classroom within which they are allowed to stay. The rest of their subjects are learned in an ESE environment.

I have been visited by the District Psychologist and the District Social Worker numerous times in the last two years so that they could observe what I do, and write the procedures up to be followed by the rest of the Middle School teaching staff throughout the county. This was initiated three years ago when two students were classified as “special needs” and moved to ESE classrooms. These two students begged, and actually broke down in tears, to be left in my classroom. After being unable to console the students, (they were in separate classes) the guidance councilors, along with the district psychologist, determined that the best thing for the students was to leave them in my room since they were functioning and performing.

The District personnel were impressed that I didn’t treat the students any different than the mainstream students, and that I was able to discern the difference between Autism and normal preteen behavior. They now, for my school only, call me in to assist in evaluating whether a student should be classified as a special needs child and enter a Child Study category to eventually be placed in ESE for whatever reason (Autism, ADD ADHD, etc. and even Tourette Syndrome) or is it just normal preadolescent behavior or behavior driven by the emotional needs of the student based on his/her home life.

I have not gained my knowledge of Autism from only experiencing one child, nor have I learned about the disability from the Internet. I have taken classes and spent almost 200 days a year for an hour a day for the last three years working with, observing, talking with, and laughing with autistic children. I am not saying I know anything about younger autistic children, but saying I have no tolerance and no understanding is way off the mark.) or our feelings about him, (What feelings?) but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part (Again, implies that we share equally in the problem created at Thanksgiving. And, if we do have a part, this letter does not forgive anything nor does it beg forgiveness for the actual altercation that took place as a result of you forcing an issue.) of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I do love all of you.

Calendula

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Now, as to the day:

Immediately upon your arrival, I could see something was amiss. It was as if you were mad at the world. Soon after you arrived, you proceeded to snark at R and C. And you continued up until we sat down to dinner. Something happened that morning before you came to visit. Something that hurt you and angered you greatly.

Now, let’s clear up why I left the table. I could stand to watch no longer, you forcing C to eat something for which he had no desire regardless of his motivation. And speaking of motivation, I cannot fathom a guess at yours except to force your will upon C. My question is, Why did this have to take place at a family diner? Why couldn’t you have tried this at home?

Upon making C eventually gag and vomit, it seemed totally unreasonable to continue your insistence. I did not invite you, R, C, S, and S’s girlfriend to my table to see a demonstration of a domineering mother horrify her child. For whose benefit was this? Who were you trying to dominate, C, R, or the whole family? And, why? So you could have the whole group’s attention on you? If so, it worked.

Then, to my disbelief, after I left the table, you began verbally ripping your mother to pieces. You were relentless and could not be comforted. It was somewhat unbelievable that two people leaving the dinner table could cause that much anger, hostility, and violence from you. It was as if we had been fighting all day long, and finally you had had enough.

It was as if you were a teenager again, having a tantrum. But you are almost 40! When will you realize that you should act respectful to your parents? Notice I used the work ACT. You may not feel it, but you should act it. When will you realize, that by doing what you did on Thanksgiving Day, you showed C that it is okay to talk back to your parents, to yell at them, swear at them, strike them?

Additionally, you said a number of things that not only did I hear, but also, so did the neighbors. From the front yard, you spouted profanity and threatened to kill S. From the back yard, you said to C, “Come on C, we’re going.” To which he said he didn’t want to leave. You then said in an angry tone, “Fine, then I’m leaving without you.”

What kind of message does that send a little child? My mom will leave me at the drop of a hat? But, I didn’t do anything!

Then, there were your last words to me:

As you were backing out the sliders on your way to the yard, I said, “Calendula, calm down.”

You yelled back, “Go f _ _ _ yourself.” And out the door you went.

I agree with you, we cannot get together. Maybe we never will be able to visit face to face ever again. And that breaks my heart to think of it. There is so much you have pushed to the deep recesses of your mind with which you need to reckon and come to terms. You need to invest some time in yourself to exorcize the demons that are plaguing you. By not doing so, those pieces of your past will continually unsettle your subconscious mind, and you will never have peace.

One final conundrum. We all make decisions that, good or bad, play out throughout our lives and affect how we treat others. When you were rebelling against us and spending time with J, after we found out he had a criminal record and pleaded with you to walk away from him, and we had experienced enough of your disrespect for our home and the peace we attempted to maintain, we gave you a choice to either not see him any longer and stay in our home, or if you insisted on staying with him, you had to leave our house.

We knew that every moment spent with him would continue to deteriorate the sweet soul and kind heart of the little girl somewhere still inside. This choice was presented to you in a calm and controlled manner. Your response was, “How much time do I have?”

Later we found out from you that, on our wedding anniversary, when you stayed out all night with him, he raped you. You said that happened. We didn’t hear it from anyone else.

The statement that he raped you begs the question: Why would you stay with a person who raped you? And why would you blame us for, in your mind, “kicking you out of the house?” You had a choice, and you made it. Bringing this up again during your tirade on Thanksgiving showed me that you are not facing the reality of the situation. You were living in our home, a home we worked hard to make a castle of peace and a harbor from life’s storms. It wasn’t perfect, but we always strove for excellence. You could have stayed.

However, even after you chose J over your family and threatened to sue us because you couldn’t get public assistance, we continually attempted to help you. And by the way, do you know why you were refused public assistance? It was because we told the social worker that you could come back home. But of course, you refused — choosing to stay in a less grotesque situation, in your mind. A situation where you felt you were less controlled. I think if you really analyze the two environments, your family life and your life with J, you will realize that you jumped from the frying pan into the proverbial fire.

For over a year, you chose not to communicate with any of us. I can handle rejection — I’ve had it all my life. But your mother didn’t deserve to be rejected by someone for whom she placed her own life and professional career on hold. She was always there for you, never missing anything. She fought for you, cried with you, laughed with you, and loved you 24/7. I wonder, of all the other friends you had, did they have a mother so loving, kind, wise, and accessible? And how much longer will you have yours?

Then, one New Year’s Eve you called and begged us to come get you away from him. We put our snacks away, placed the perishables back in the refrigerator, poured our drinks down the drain, and a little after 11:00 pm, we drove to your location. We celebrated the passing of the old year in tears while driving back home without you.

You stood on the sidewalk, in the weather, hugging a stuffed animal, unable to step into our car and escape the evil with which you chose to align yourself. Yet, you blame us for your fate, a fate you chose. Our plan for you was to attend college. We had arranged loans and grants. But you chose him.

You are responsible for your decisions. We brought you up, exposing you to all the positive tools for living a happy life. But in your rebellion, you forgot the basic principals of a healthy Christian existence. Now, looking back, what did you accomplish? And what are you still accomplishing by your continual rebellion?

There were house rules in place to maintain peace and respect for others. We had another child to think about, and your only concern was for yourself with no regard for anyone else. You were destructive. You didn’t want harmony. It was as if you detested it.

Please take the time to think through your past, no matter how painful, and find the reality of your time with us. You may need someone who is licensed in helping people do this. Until you face reality, you will always have this pent-up anger. And, your spirit will never be at peace. You must determine with whom you are really angry. R? C? S? Me? Mom? Every other person in your life. God? Or you? It’s time to deal with the truth. It’s time to realize that everyone else is not to blame for your life.

Regardless of the situation, and your last words to me, I love you, and I always will. And, I pray you find peace in this life.

Dad

Holy crap, these things just jumped out at me as I was reading about others' experiences with toxic parents.

She doesn't have as much time or opportunity to pretend to be the hero rescuing my children (which means one has to play the role of a victim she can focus her attention on and then someone else gets to be singled out as the bad guy).

That is what they are doing!! Holy crap! They are trying to pretend to be the hero, rescuing C!

I broke off all communications with my parents last year. They are both toxic individuals towards me. Yet I still keep yearning for a relationship with them. I'll be honest here, there were some terrible times with them but there were some good times too. I can't understand why I still want to see them or hear from them. Am I a glutton for punishment? They are both in their seventies now and let's face it won't be around for ever. I tried to talk to them about my "recovery" and was told that I was mentally ill and always had been. Deep inside I wish I had a "normal" family but am coming to the realization that this won't happen. Yet, I wish

That is exactly how I feel.


1) You Aren't Responsible For What Your Parents Did To You As a Child, They Are
2) You Are Responsible For What You Do With Your Life Now, Your Parents Aren't

I need to GET THIS. They are not responsible for what I do with my life. Therefore, they not only have no say but have no right to have an opinion about it.


Acceptance. This is how it is.

Not how it:
was
might have been
should have been

Not how I:
want it to be
hoped it would be
planned it to be

I accept that this is how it is.
And now I will get on with my life in a positive way.

Like anything else. The ability to cope with toxic parents and accepting that you cannot change their behaviors….takes practice. And this practice may not produce visible results for quite some time. However, ridding yourself of the fallout (the negative emotions) from dealing with toxic parents:

• the anger
• the depression
• the frustration
• the sadness

will hopefully provide enough incentive necessary to accept and move on with your life. One statement. One step. At a time.

And, a link to read over and over again:

http://www.brighthill.net/innerchild/toxic_parents.htm

Can the hits just STOP?

Besides the ups and downs with C, our business situation is a mess right now. The lawsuit is still dragging on, it has destroyed our credit (all of our lines of credit havebeen cancelled on us) and the insane amount of business debt is just crippling our business (especially in this economy).

As if that wasn't enough, I got a response from my *father* this morning. They have completely twisted everything that happened on Thanksgiving (I wrote what happened on Thanksgiving night, so Ididn't even have time to spin it), and he basically crucified me for everything that has happened in the last 20 years. He also twisted some other things, too., i.e., while working as a CNA, I tried to go back to school to become an RN and applied for Public Assistance. I was denied because, back then, if your parents would take you back in at 18, you couldn't collect. The account rep told me that I would have to sue for emancipation. My father twisted the hell out of this one... and actually brought it up. Sigh.

Yes, I'm sad that I have to close the door but I'm not closing the door on much, to begin with. My family is just hateful. I'm worried, of course, that they will be vengeful (when I'm silent) and call HRS to try and hurtme. According to my father and brother, I'm just this horrible mother.To be honest, I wasn't even going to read it. And, then curiosity got the better of me. I knew better. And now, I am just completely wounded over the whole thing all over again.

They make me feel like I'm a horrible, horrible person. He actually picked apart my apology email (who does that?!?!?) and told me what I should have said. Then, he told me that, because I didn't take responsibility, that he did not accept my apology... since I didn't apologize for what I did. Now, THAT? That is on HIM.

Oh, he also told me that I have abandoned my Christian values. Basically, he tried to attack me in every possible way.

I feel so empty inside.

I'm still trying to figure it all out. I hate thinking that people are talking trash about me. My brother confirmed that they certainly are. I know that I am not crazy and I know it isn't just me.

Frankly, I have to just let it go. Nothing I can say will ever change the horrible things that they think of me and they are convinced that everything that happens is 100% my fault and they are not responsible for their actions; I am. I can't fix that level of denial and blatant refusal to accept responsibility for themselves. I tried to do the right thing by telling them that I was sorry and that I was owning my own poor decisions and actions. Too bad that all three of them are martyrs and think that things happen to them, and they play no part in any of it.

I just feel, right now, that I keep getting a mirror shoved in my face so that I can examine what's wrong with me. I wouldn't have a problem with that if it wasn't expected to be one-sided. It seems as if I am supposed to atone for my sins and acquiesce, but I better keep my opinions to myself because, after all, I'm "loud and opinionated".

I'll get through this.