Reponse

Sigh. I have to accept this. I received an email response from my mother:

Dear Calendula,

I forgave you the minute you walked out the door, on Thanksgiving Day.

I, too, have been praying for healing for our family everyday, as well as praying over you, R & C.

I have put my trust in God, and in His perfect timing, knowing that He alone knows each of our hearts. My prayer has been, and will continue to be until God calls me home, that our family will come to know healing and finally peace.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, and prayer filled, email. It means more to me than you can imagine.

I've tried to tell you, all of your life, how much I love you.

I pray that someday you will come to know the depth of my love for you.

You are my child, my first born. I knew you, and loved and wanted you, from the moment you were conceived. I carried you under my heart for nine months, and when you were born you came out from under my heart and went into my heart.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Mom

Oh, and she cc'd both my father and my brother.

I am trying so very hard not to judge and, instead, to look at the plank in my own eye. The email spoke to my forgiveness, but of course did not once mention her wrongdoings or ask for forgiveness for her responsibility. And, the email said the same stuff that it always says. They're words. The same words.

My mother also called my cell phone while C and I were taking a nap. I plagued over whether to call her back. I finally decided that I would, at the least, call her and let her know that I knew that I had missed her call. I don't want to play games. Well, I get her on the phone and I tell her that I saw that she had called while C and I were napping (and I clearly sound like a frog, since I'm pretty ill right now) and she told me that it was an accident and she hit the wrong button. Seriously? In 5 months, she hasn't accidentally hit that button but hit it today of all days? I told her that I just wanted to call her back and that I had gotten her email. Her response was that she has always loved me and someday she hopes that I'll understand just how much. I simply responded that I did understand that. She then told me that she was in the grocery store, it probably wasn't the best place to talk and that she hadn't meant to call because she wanted to respect my space. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Silly me. Part of me hoped that, even though she just can't seem to accept that she is responsible for her own actions, she would still want to have a pleasant conversation and would want to talk with C. Nope.

I need to keep praying.