Why Do I Let it Bother Me?

Moreover, why am I even stupid enough to expect a different outcome?

I called my mother and told her that I was planning on shopping for Christmas food items tomorrow; did I need to buy chocolate soy milk? (her "breakfast") No, they're not staying overnight on Christmas. In fact, the plan is that they will leave their house by 8:00 am (side note: they always say this and never get on the road until 9:30, so they don't arrive until noon) and will stay until 8:00 pm, C's bedtime. Then, they'll leave. Are they going back home? No, here's the kicker. My mother tells me that they've been trying to plan a getaway and haven't been able to do it, so my father has gotten them a hotel room at Disney and they will be spending two days at Epcot.

Last year, when I suggested getting annual passes so that we could all meet halfway at Disney, they told me that it was too expensive and it is more than halfway for them. Apparently, it isn't too expensive to spend the money for 2 day passes plus two nights in a hotel.

Perhaps this is the only time off they have? Nope. My mother doesn't go back to work until January 3rd. My father is a school teacher and doesn't report back until the 7th.

Did they ask if we wanted to join them for a day at Epcot? No.

They haven't seen their grandchild in almost a year. They bitched about not being able to have one-on-one time with him. So, they decide to spend 8 hours with him on Christmas Day and then go to Epcot.

Grace

i'm a bit jaded. But, I'm doing my best to compartmentalize and move forward. Forgive my mind-dump. I'm still processing.

It's a pretty unwritten rule that we go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving. This time, I received an email requesting recipes. I decided to let it ride until after the holiday was over with and sent her off an email yesterday evening. I'll spare you the details, but I basically said Fine, be mad at me. But, can't we just put it aside for C's sake? I received a voicemail this morning while on my run. It was pretty curt and was used as a dumping ground. But, she said she was taking the day off of work to get this resolved once and for all and to call her back. Ohhhkay.

I made some bullet points to respond to the comments left on voicemail. Great in theory. It all went awry. We started out civil. Then, we got nasty. Then, we got civil again. Then, we got reeeeeeeeeallllly nasty. Then, she played the martyr and I got really angry. There is nothing that I hate more than that. No, wait. I hate the "show me some respect because I'm your parent" and the "the Lord says" cards more. Those were played, too. She actually told me that she had looked up our Pastor's number on Monday and was going to call him to be an interventionalist. HA!!! Then, she tried to dig up crap from the past (as far back as my leaving home at 18) and I wouldn't take the bait. She wanted to talk about it and I told her straight out that NO, we weren't going to talk about it and to get over it. It happened 20 years ago.

Basically, both of my parents have been offended by R and me and we are disrespectful (HA!) Apparently, I am disrespectful when I stick up for myself (my translation, of course. She said that I'm disrespectful in the way that I speak to her). R was disrespectful because he made a joke about having to kiss her butt all day (and in the same breath told me that they are both upset that he doesn't talk or joke with them anymore). She didn't even remember screaming that I love myself. She would not admit culpability for making absolutely zero effort (phone, mail or visit) to have a relationship with C. She told me how she is scared of me and thinks that I will physically hurt her (I find that fascinating.... fear of retribution for the physical abuse I endured as a teen, perhaps? I never even pushed her away from me when she was hitting me.) She felt that they are justified in making comments about C "because we're family".

I kept asking her what she wanted from me and she kept saying that she wants a relationship with C. I repeatedly told her that I had not stopped that from happening and she wanted to blame me for not driving over to Sarasota at all this year and that they both have full time jobs. I told her numerous times that no, I didn't drive over there, but nothing stopped her from making a phone call or sending a note to him. That's usually the time that she would get all, "you're attacking me!" At one point, she told me that I was using C as a pawn. I laughed and said, "When you use something as a pawn, it is for leverage to get something. What, exactly, am I gaining from this?" Her response was that I was able to hurt her. I again said, "So, what's my payoff here? What, exactly, do I benefit by having these wretched conversations?" (oh, by the way? That's speaking disrespectfully to her.) She had no response to that other than changing the subject.

I was on and off the phone from 10:00 am until 3:00 pm with her, allowing only for time to change to a mobile (to get in the car at 12:20 pm to pick up C), getting back on the mobile after picking him up from school and then getting back on the home phone after returning home.

Just before I arrived at C's school, she was yelling at me and going off on some tangent or another and I finally yelled over her and said, "Look. I have six minutes until I get to C's school. I need to impress upon you that, no matter what you think you're accomplishing by your comments, they hurt." She asked me if so-and-so friend gets comments from her family. I replied, "Yes. And they hurt! And, S gets comments from her mother. And they hurt. And G gets comments from her mother. And, they hurt!" I explained to her that the comments might be said in love but that they still come across as judgment and they hurt, just the same. She finally fell silent and I think it sunk in.

I arrived at the school and called her back after C was in the car. At this point, we both came to the same conclusion that the only way to get past all of this is to agree not to bring any of it up anymore and start with a clean slate. I insisted that we have grace with each other: If I say something that rubs her the wrong way, have grace. If she makes a comment that bristles my skin, I'll have grace. If R (somehow!) manages to offend them by saying absolutely nothing, they'll have grace. She wanted me to know that none of the comments are meant to be judgmental and that they are on our side. I told her that, with constant judgment from society, is isn't going to be a natural inclination to discern the difference but that I would realize that I'm probably going to be hypersensitive and have grace. I also asked her to have grace by being sensitive to how she chooses to say things, especially in front of C.

The conversation ended amicably and we have plans to get together for Christmas. (oh, and apparently her email for the recipe was her feeble attempt at reaching out to find out our plans for Thanksgiving. Huh? What she didn't say was that she wanted me to make the first move by responding with a "What are we doing?" ) I'm truly going to try to make this work. I can't change who they are. I can't change what has happened. But, I can change how I choose to react to them from this point on.

Why bother.

Today was my father's birthday. I sent a card and the picture that C drew, but made no move to make a phone call. Again, I ask: why? To hold a superficial conversation? The last time I tried that in June on Father's Day, he rushed me off the phone after telling me that my brother and girlfriend were there, they fished and were about to sit down to dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. My mother continues to send me forwards of stupid internet stories or "amazing pictures" of nature, yet no real correspondence from her. The most pathetic thing is their lack of interest in C. It sickens me. I want to call them up and tell them what absolute scumbags I think they are and how they don't deserve to know my amazing kid. EVER! But, narcissism never looks beyond itself so the entire conversation would be a waste of breath.

Barely acknowledging C's 5th birthday

The "package" arrived today. It was sent Priority Mail. Note the date on the postage. That means that it was mailed on his actual birthday. Well, he doesn't know or feel the difference anyway, right? Pathetic.

Even more pathetic? The contents:

3 race cars (Conor didn't give them a second glance)
A Sesame Street coloring book (he neither colors nor cares about Sesame Street)
A Tonka Color-Along Sound Activity book (again, not into coloring and not interested in pressing buttons to hear toddler music)

Yes, they know their grandson so well.

The best part? The card. They're proud and hope to see him REAL SOON! What a terrific joke.

More me-me-me from you-know-who

Hello!

Finished the Zpack on Sunday, however I am still dealing with alot of dizzyness and off balance issues. I am still taking the decongestant, 2x per day. I finish that on Saturday. I absolutely hate feeling the way that I do - but I'm thankful that this is all I have to deal with, at this point in my life!! Could be so much worse, I know.

How exciting that C will be getting his two-wheeler for his 5th b-day. Reminds me of his Mommy's and his Uncle S's 5th b-day!! Wonderful memories.

Don't know about Labor Day weekend - since I will be just returning from Syr. - which I must confess I am so excitedabout!!! M, L, E & I have been making plans ever since I booked my flights!

I'll be with L (& her little ones), E & C & M the night I arrive and then M & I are going to the "Great N.Y. State Fair" on Friday. (We are going to see "Poco" & Pure Prarie League"!!!) Saturday, we're all meeting at E's camp and re-creating our favorite photo that was taken of the 3 of us when we were little kids! We are all so excited about doing this!!!

Sunday, M & I are driving over to see Grandpa & Grandma. Things are not well - and I am going over to visit and talk to them. Uncle J (& R) are meeting me there. M & I are then heading up to Saratoga (or Tanglewood in the Bershires) for the night.

Monday is "shopping day" in Syr.!!! Can't wait!! Kauffman's, Lord & Taylors, Bonwit Tellers, Bergdorf's, etc., etc., etc. Hello Carousel Mall!!!!!

Sorry............Can you tell that I'm excited about going "back home"!!!!

I'll call C, on your cell, on his b'day!

I'm sure that it will be a Very Special Day for all of you!

Love,
mom

My parents are losers

Before you read this, keep in mind that both of my parents have cell phones and my mother has a work phone AND an assistant to take her calls (should she have wanted to call from work within the last 3 weeks.)

Sent this morning at 11:40 am:

Hello,

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to respond to your "vox" email. The past two weeks have been a little different - to say the least.

Long story short.................

We had a pretty severe storm on July 20th and lost our phone, internet and cable. Dad was a little frustrated because he had to leave for Dallas on Monday, for Part II, of the consultation project and a tech wasn't available until Tues. 7/24, at 6:30pm. When the tech finally left, at 9:00pm, I thought everything was fixed - however it wasn't! I was on the phone with a tech from 10:30pm until almost midnight. I wound up frustrated and told him that my husband would contact them when he returned from his business trip. Mind you - Dad wasn't going to return until the evening of 8/3! Needless to say - Dad was able to resolve the problem with Verizon, yesterday, so we are now "connected to the outside world"!

In the meantime - I was scheduled to fly to Dallas to meet Dad for a long weekend - which was last weekend. Last Thursday, mid-morning as I was getting ready to go to the airport, I became very dizzy and felt very off balance. I thought that it was because I really hadn't eaten much the day so I grabbed something to eat, thinking that would help. It didn't. So, I then thought it was my sinuses, so I took a Bendaryl. That didn't touch it either, but I thought it would get better once I relaxed and was on the flight - which it didn't.

I spent the weekend very dizzy, and unsettled, and actually spent a few days laying down hot packing my sinuses and pouring saline solution up my nose - to help eleviate the pressure and pain. All I wanted to do was go home, and go to the Dr.

I flew home Tuesday and had hoped the Dr. would be able to get me in the afternoon, but they were booked, so I was able to get an appt. late Wed. a.m. It appears I have a major sinus and ear infection -which explains the dizzyness and "off balance" feeling. They put me on a pretty strong Zpack and anit-biotic. Interesting - one of the side effects of both - is dizzyness!

I couldn't stay home from work, and I had to pick Dad up at the airport (Tampa) on Friday - so needless to say - the past 10 days have been pretty miserable.

I still feel dizzy and a little unsteady, but it's better than it was and it helps to have Dad back home!

I'm not sure what we are going to be able to do, this week, in regards to C's b'day. I'll definitely make sure that there is a "package" in the mail for him on his birthday, butI'll have to figure out when we can come over to see him. Fortunately, I know that he won't know, or feel, the difference if we aren't there on or around his birthday.

Dad has an all day seminar, at school, on Friday and all teachers have to be back on Monday (8/13). I know that Dad wants me to help him, this week, shop for his "new school clothes" and supplies. We're just waiting until the dizzyness subsides so that I can stand up without having to lean against a doorway or wall!!

Dad & I will try to figure out a way that we will be able to come to see, and spend some time, with C to celebrate his turning 5!!!

Love,
me

Noodle Salad

When I get comments or emails from people who say something eluding to my forgiving/resolving/improving relations with my parents and what they did, I always think of this particular scene in As Good As It Gets. This is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons, but this scene tops the list.

Some families have arguments, rifts, disagreements and are able to resolve them by someone (whether in the wrong or not) saying, "Hey, I'm sorry. I love you. Let's start from here." Some families have the "good times, noodle salad". I fall into the other category that Melvin mentions: "Just no one in this car."

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I love you. Let's start from here." Lest we forget, the last time I attempted to say "I love you" to my mother during a heated situation, she yelled, "No you don't! No you don't! You love yourself!"

The line that comes next in the scene above is, "What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good." I talk about it to get it off my chest. But, I cannot change it. There is nothing that I can do to make things better. Like I said before, I'm not delusional. But, yes. I'm pissed that so many others had it good.

In 1998, I read a book called, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. My parents blurred into almost every category of toxic parent. Reading this book was like reading an autobiography.
The only two that they managed to escape were the alcoholic/drug and sexual abusers. Here is an excerpt from the section on confronting your toxic parent:

Confronting Your Toxic Parent: What to Expect

Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so. Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour. Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying. YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them. YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it. YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own. YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you." YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation. YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too.

At various times, I have been told:

I don't remember that.
That's not how that happened.
We weren't dysfunctional. You just couldn't follow the rules.
You deserved the punishments that you got.
Everyone knew what a problem you were.
The black eye your mother gave you was an accident.
You'll never know or understand what we did for you.
I think you're forgetting the times I stood up for you and tried to stop your father from hitting you. (when was this? She would disappear when my father would bring out the belt)
We gave you everything and this is the thanks we get.
We were more than willing to pay for your college when you were supposed to go.
How could you lay this on us?
I think you're forgetting that we went overboard on your wedding AND had to pay for the rehearsal dinner because Rs family paid for nothing. (let me interject and say that we invited 27 out of the 250 guests at our wedding and 5 of them were in the wedding party, 3 were members of R's family and the other 19 were friends.)

Let me tell you who this horrible child of theirs was:

Straight A student
First chair flute
Band librarian
varsity cheerleader
lead in the high school musical
President of the church youth group
Held a 20 hr a week part time job
Regents diploma recipient
Who's Who Among American High School Students
Offered full tuition scholarship to a state university
Offered partial scholarship to a private school

You see, this goes wayyyyyyy beyond any grudges or issues that I hold. This has been going on for years. So, on the forefront, Yes: I tell them that they are welcome to visit at any time. I reach out and continue to call when I can stomach the me-me-me talk. And, I put on a pleasant facade when I deal with them. But, this does not take away the fact that they don't call. They don't visit. They make judgemental comments and throw a temper tantrum if asked to refrain from doing so. At 28 years old, I accepted that I was not ever going to have a healthy relationship with the people who brought me into this world. At 37 years old, though I accept it, I still don't like it. And, sometimes I need to write about it.

Update on my parents (or, should I say, lack of update)

C's birthday is coming up. He'll be 5. Three weeks ago, I reached out and called my mother to ask if they were planning on coming over at some point to celebrate his birthday. She basically hemmed and hawed and told me, "Your father and I were just discussing that. He will have just gotten back into town from Dallas (I guess he has had some sort of summer consulting job through a friend of theirs -- this friendship is a whole other post for another day...) on the 7th and I know he has to go back to school (mid life career change: he is a middle school teacher)sometime after that. I'm not sure when, I think it is that following Monday."
I replied, "School begins here on the 20th, and the teachers usually have to be back a week prior, which would be the 13th."
She said, "Yeah, so.... we're not sure what we're going to do."
(not sure whether they can drive 2 and 1/2 hours on a Saturday to celebrate his birthday when my father has to go back to work that Monday??)
I said, "Well, I just wanted to let you know that we're not having a birthday party, so you don't have to try and plan around anything like that."
She said, "Well, last year you had his party on a Friday night and it didn't affect us coming over on that Saturday, anyway."
I said, "Yes, I know. But, I'm letting you know that there isn't anything to plan around at all."
(I wanted to take away every excuse that they had)
She then said, "Well, we were thinking that we might be able to come over on C's actual birthday and then leave around dinner time." (this is a common thing with them since C was about 3 weeks old, because they like to escape before R gets home.)
I said, "Well, let me know."

I HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING FROM THEM.

This pisses me off to no end, for numerous reasons. First and foremost, I think it is just insanely inconsiderate that she couldn't make a phone call and confirm whether they're going to come and visit or not. I don't know why I'm so surprised, since my brother actually did this to me last year. I told him that my parents were coming over on that Saturday and C's little friend party was that Friday, so he wouldn't have to be subjected to that. Was he coming? He was completely non-committal (like my parents are being now) and never even bothered to call. He just didn't show up. Now, I realize that he lives an hour farther south than my parents, making his drive a bit long. But, it is his only nephew and I was asking for a visit once that year. He couldn't be bothered to come or call. The next time I spoke with my brother was at my parents' house for Thanksgiving. Then, I called him on his birthday in December and he reciprocated in March. I haven't even bothered to call him since then and wouldn't even waste my breath to invite him for C's birthday.

I have so much spite about this whole thing that I have to push it out and away from me before I implode. Part of me wants to tell them (when they finally do call) that C and I now have plans for his birthday; sorry. Too bad for you. But, R had a wonderful point that my parents love to be the martyrs and look for any type of excuse to do so. I don't want to give that to them.
Part of me wants them not to come at all because it is an enormous amount of stress for me.
And then, there is the part of me that longs to have that understanding family support and relationship. Of course, I'm not delusional. I know that's never going to happen. As far as my parents are concerned, I'm convinced that they think we're just one big defective family. I didn't marry a "suit". I have disappointed them more times than I can count by not following the path that they thought I should. Then, once we had C it was a one-up for them: because they raised two children, they have the market cornered on parenthood. When we didn't bow down and worship their advice, it caused a rift (and this is actually why they no longer like being around R. My parents were visiting, C was colicky, we were looking for a solution online and my mother was insistent that we needed to put cereal in his bottle. At 3 weeks old, I wasn't going to do it. R stood up to my father, who scoffed at his reading information off of the Johnson & Johnson site and said, "What do they know?" to which R respectfully told my father that he was going to do whatever he needed to do to help his child).
The rift became the San Andreas Fault when C was diagnosed with autism. They could no longer blame his actions solely on our "bad parenting". So, I guess C became defective then, too.

I go through a gamut of emotions when I think about the fact that they have not made an effort to see C since Christmas. Part of me should be happy about this, right? After all, I haven't had to worry about biting my tongue at their ignorant and insensitive comments, listening to my mother tell me how much she knows about psychology, watching my father all but ignore C while he sits at the table doing crossword puzzles. But, then the reality sets in: It has beenSEVEN MONTHS since they have seen their only grandchild.

Grab some coffee...

...because this is going to be a long one.

BACKGROUND:

Without getting into elaborate detail, the relationship with my parents has always been tumultuous, at best. Even when we have been "getting along", it was a result of a lot of tongue-biting on my part. I have never graduated to the role of "adult" and am eternally a child in their eyes, which poses the majority of the problem. When I speak my mind or dissent, specifically about their unsolicited views on my life, I am yelled at and told how disrespectful I am (and my father generally throws in a "How dare you talk to your mother like that").

At this point, my parents do what psychologists call "withholding love". Until I comply, apologize, acquiesce, I receive no communication from them. Eventually, my mother starts emailing me small and impersonal snippets after reading something on my blog: Sorry to learn that you were not well - Happy to hear that you are pleased with C's new school and that he is flourishing. This is a complete and direct email from March, when I was being frozen out as a result of the events at Christmas. Long story short, my parents loudly expressed their opinion of C, our parenting technique and how our household is run.

Some of this stems from their perception of their education and experience with autism and parenting. When I was born, my mother was a social worker. She supposedly has an Associates degree in Psychology. I have never seen this diploma and am not even sure if you could actually earn an AA in Psych back in the 70s. When I received my Bachelors and then my Masters, I surpassed their education level. Right around this time, my mother suddenly started talking about her "two degrees" when she would relay conversations that had taken place with others. She finally divulged what the other degree was supposed to be (I never asked): she attended a trade high school and was stating that she has a degree in Fashion, as well.

My father has a Bachelors of Liberal Arts & Humanities. He has changed careers and is now teaching middle school social studies. In this process, he is taking courses to get an Ed degree. He has also had to take some sort of special ed course. He has two middle school Asperger's students in his classes. He is now an expert on autism because he "works with these kids every day" and they both readily tell me this.

One prime example was when C was going into meltdown mode at bedtime on Christmas Day and we kept going upstairs to get him to calm down. My father wanted to know, essentially, why we wouldn't just let him cry it out. I explained that he would work himself up enough to vomit all over his room and my father's reply was, "So? And then what?"

Another such incident occurred when C excitedly came in from swinging after asking R to play with his new Play-Doh and R wasn't moving fast enough for a 4 year old excited kid. So, he yelled, "Play with Play-Doh!!!" and R said, "Okay, hold on a second. I'm getting it." My mother took this opportunity to say, "Well, you're quite the dictator!" No one responded to that comment so she went on, "You're a little Hitler!" R responded to her and said, "That's not nice." Both of my parents went and pouted over that. An hour later, two hours ahead of their original departure time, they decided to leave "because C isn't apparently going to come out of his room to play again since he has his father up there." Ironically, C did come back downstairs within 5 minutes of her comment. Neither one made an attempt to play with C.

I did not hear from them again until New Year's Day when I called them. My mother took the opportunity to launch into a defense for her comment about "Hitler" which, incidentally, no one had brought up since the occurrence. She decided to play the pity card, began her conversation with "Don't get mad at me" and told me how her heart breaks for me because I'm trying to be consistent with C and "his father" (I've been with R for 13 years, but he is suddenly "his father") is clearly not and lets C walk all over him. I let her speak her mind and then very calmly and bluntly told her that it was now her turn not to get mad. I informed her that they are not around enough to form an opinion of anything that goes on in this household because they see a snapshot of what goes on. In fact, when they do make the 2.5 hour trip three times a year (my birthday [which they skipped this year since they were busy freezing me out] , C's birthday and Christmas), it is a special occasion and all bets are off.
It was then that she told me that she needed to go. We didn't speak again until my birthday in March.

However, because I am truly trying to walk the path of Christ, I prayed and forgave and tried to reach out numerous times between my birthday and now. Yesterday was one of those times.

CUT TO YESTERDAY:

Two little girls in the neighborhood came to the door and asked C to come out and play. I thought that was pretty cool stuff. (of course, he didn't play with them once he got outside, but it is a step in the right direction)

I decided to call my mother to tell her and share the news. Although I had to bite my tongue a couple of times while listening to her tell me that C was finally experiencing something "normal", it was a pleasant call, overall.

While on the phone with her, I got a phone call from the Principal of C's school. I talked to the Principal for an hour and it was pretty upsetting stuff. In a nutshell, this aggressive behavior has been happening every day, although it gets worse when the teacher is absent. Mrs. C. relayed to the Principal that C ran across the room yesterday and kicked a classmate in the head during naptime. These behaviors include kicking, hitting, spitting and putting kids in a choke-hold (hugging).
She also explained that the tactics usually implemented in this type of situation are not working with C. We discussed the discipline process whereby C would be sent home if he was not able to calm down enough to behave in the classroom but that this would not be the first option. We also discussed future placement for Kindergarten and I was unaware of an SED (Severely Emotionally Disturbed) class for this age group. I commented that C would most probably learn new behaviors but that he would also do his share of teaching and the Principal told me that C exhibits greater behavior issues than the current SED students.

---kick in the gut---

This spoke volumes to me and it is obviously where he needs to be next year if this behavior does not change.

However, in an attempt to change his behavior now, I spoke with C right before bedtime and reiterated several times this morning before dropping him off: No hitting, no kicking, no spitting, no hugging or Mommy will take away his HHR. This vehicle is currently a prized possession at home. I doubt that this threat will change the behavior in class today, but it just might alter things for Thursday when I take the HHR away this afternoon and he realizes the dire consequences of his behavior carry over to his home privileges.

I sent this information on to Mrs. C. via email and we had a good discussion this morning. She is still a wonderful teacher, the school is still great and I'm hoping and praying that this works.

So, what does this have to do with my mother? Well, when I got off the phone I couldn't relay this to R because he had to read C his stories for bedtime, so I reached out to my mother and called her back, crying my eyes out. It is not easy to hear "Your kid is bad, your kid is bad, your kid is bad" and then spread the icing on the cake with, "Your kid is more out of control at school than the SED kids." I don't see this kid at home. It is devastating.

So, I started the conversation by saying, "I need you to listen without judging, okay?"
She said, "Okay. What's wrong?" I told her everything, bawling my eyes out.
She starts asking me all sorts of questions, starts trying to blame the school problems on R's parenting. Then, tries to blame it on C running our household and being an only child.
A couple of different times I told her that I didn't need to troubleshoot, wasn't looking for answers, just wanted her to listen. I remained calm the whole time. My phone starts to beep, telling me that I'm about to lose juice on my cordless. I tell her this so that she knows that I'm running out of conversation time.
She then starts trying to tell me that we need to be more strict with him at home because he's not used to the rules at school, he needs to be more subservient. I tell her again that I don't need this, that I just need to have her listen.
She tells me that she's not judging, that's she's just trying to help and figure it out.
I tell her that I'm not looking for that.
She tells me that I need to set times for everything, specific dinner times, bathtimes, etc.
I tell her that we already do that and give her an example of that day: he wanted something after his afternoon snack of tortilla chips and I gave him the choice of an apple or pickle. He then wanted dinner at 5:00 and I told him that dinner was at 6:30, but he could eat the other half of his pickle.
She tells me that I should have picked the pickle up, that he shouldn't be able to have it an hour later.
At this point, I was emotionally worn out. I said, "I doubt the fact that he was able to eat a 1/2 a pickle an hour later is the reason he's hitting kids at school."
She starts yammering on about how she's got more parenting experience than me, she's been at this for 37 years and I've been at it for 4 and 1/2.
I stopped her and said that my phone was about to die, I didn't need this tonight, I only wanted her to listen and she interrupted me and started yelling at me and then said, "You know what? I can't win."

At this point (and this is the ONLY time I was disrespectful), I said, "Yeah, make it about YOU. That's not what this is about."

She then said, "I demand that you respect me right now because that's what the Lord commands."

I shut up and just started crying while she yelled at me that she was trying to help, trying to fix things just like I'm trying to fix things with C at school. I kept saying "Okay" but she wasn't letting up. I started trying to interject and tell her that I didn't want her to fix it, I didn't want her to troubleshoot, I just wanted to go and she would yell, "Calendula, STOP. Calendula, STOP." I could not get off the phone and could not get through her head that I didn't need or want her opinions. The whole time that she is yelling at me, my father is saying in the background, "Tell her..." and "Tell her...".
Defeated, I finally said, "I just spent an hour on the phone with the Principal. I can't emotionally handle this tonight, so I'm going to go. I love you -" and she interrupted me and yelled, "No you don't! No you don't! You love yourself!!"

I hung up on her.

I can't do this anymore. Never at any point in my life have I said, "I'm writing them off." But, I'm there now. Yes, the Lord says that I have to forgive seven times seventy times and I'm working on the forgiveness part. But, nothing says that I have to stay in a situation that makes me feel so ridiculously horrible about myself. I am never good enough. C is never good enough. R is certainly not anywhere near good enough. I am not loved unconditionally by my parents because I have obviously missed the mark on their expectations and, at 37 years old, I shouldn't have to meet expectations for my parents anymore. Even when they are not talking to me, I feel horrible about myself because I realize that they are withholding love from me and that makes me wonder why I can't just have parents who support me, love me, cheer me on, have my back no matter what. Whether I'm right or wrong in a situation, I should be able to rely on them as a support system. Yesterday, I needed my mom to tell me that it was okay, that I was okay, that I was a good mom, that C is a good kid. I think it is obvious that I didn't get that.

So. Here we are.