Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Had a FB conversation with T (psychologist friend) and wanted to post it here, so that I could remember and build upon it later.

T WROTE:
As far as the stuff about your parents, I still think that it is perfectly fine for you to choose not to have a relationship with them. I'm not sure if that's the validation you're looking for, but I woudn't let anyone tell you that you should be doing more or that you owe it to C to have them in your life or anything like that. I don't agree. As far as forgiveness for your own peace, and that sort of stuff, I really think the only one that knows what you need is YOU. I am all for prayer, and asking God for guidance. I agree that if you do chose to have contact with them again, keeping visits short is definitely the way to go. I am NOT one for the path of least resistance (I even hate the term), but I do think that you need to expect your parents to say/do things that may stir up strong feelings and that you can only control your reaction and that's probably the best way to go. I do think that you should continue to parent C the way you would if they weren't there, not try to "make C happy" so they don't feel the need to intervene .... consistency is incredibly important with any child, but it's particularly important with kids on the spectrum. If your parents try to intervene just tell them you'll handle it and ignore whatever they say after that.

I don't know if any of this helps. I'm still really POed at your parents for the whole Thanksgiving fiasco. If you can get past that, you're a better person than me! :-)

Counseling might help, although, like you said, it would probably take you months of sessions just to get through the background.

Why don't you start with this question: Knowing what you do about your parents, and the fact that they can only be who they are, do you really want them in your life, and if so, how? Or how much?

Well, I think that's all I have for tonight. I really need to go take some cough syrup and try to get to bed early.

I'll give you a call soon!

XOXO
T

Yeah, I have no idea what validation I'm actually looking for. LOL I think it is something between what you said about it being okay that I choose not to have a relationship with them combined with validation that what I've been through with them really IS dysfunctional and messed up. Sounds contrite and obvious, but I'm beginning to realize that I might as well have been brought up in a cult-like atmosphere and my brain is finally breaking free from it all, processing it. I wasn't allowed to dissent. Autonomy was frowned upon. The thought of becoming your own person and growing beyond their authority is unheard of and unspeakable, which is evidenced by the fact that I'm almost 39 and was still not entitled to my own opinions or methods of raising my own child. Annnnd, validation that all of that is incredibly abnormal and unhealthy! I know you're nodding your head saying, "yeah, yeah, yeah - of course it is" but my logical mind cannot seem to overcome the part of my mind that was brainwashed into thinking that I'm "bad" for going against this insanity. Throw in the whole "forgive seventy times seven" thing with God and I'm really messed up. I want to do the right thing, Christian-wise, but I'm not a fool, either.

My church is a very charismatic and pentecostal church, so people can tend to be "over the top", so to speak. That includes my pastor's wife. No, I don't think that *every*little*freaking*thing* is a "sign from God". Sometimes it's just life and earth and flesh and free will. No, I don't think that there was some almighty reason why God placed me in that situation with my parents, so that I would "learn" or "grow" or be able to "share". I believe that my parents abused their authority and that is their sin against God. BUT, I do believe that God gave me the strong will to cope through it. Otherwise, I would not be fighting the strongholds to this day. Now, the question is? What do I do with all of the baggage? Maybe I need to just start writing my own private (viewable to me and only me) journal/blog to release this stuff. And, maybe that's what I'm supposed to do with it. Like you said, we're talking months and months of background sessions if I talk to someone.

Your question was a good one: Do I really want them in my life and if so, how? Or how much? The answer is NOT AT ALL. There is so much less stress without them in my life. And, they won't be changing so that means that, if I allow them even the slightest entry into my life, the stress returns. You said, " you need to expect your parents to say/do things that may stir up strong feelings and that you can only control your reaction and that's probably the best way to go." That was actually the catalyst of Thanksgiving. I could no longer control my reaction to the strong feelings that they stir up. And, I didn't think that I deserved to torture myself with that anymore, either. :-/

Do I wish that I had parents in my life? Yes. But, not the ones that I have. Not the ones that are cynical and combative and passive/aggressive and judgmental and disapproving. I want supportive, accepting, nurturing, understanding parents. But, I don't have a set of those. That's like wishing that I had green eyes. I can look in the mirror at my brown eyes every day and wish that they were green, but they're not going to magically change any more than my parents will suddenly have an epiphany about how they should treat their offspring with love and respect.

Most of all, they just make me feel bad about myself! If one of them aren't bringing up something from the past that is condemning, they are making snide comments about C or how we raise (or don't raise) C or how we choose to live our lives. Anything from how C doesn't eat what/when we do to how we spend our weekends to what I do and don't have him involved in, you name it. My father compares my mothering to my own mother. He even went so far as to mention my clothing at one point and I said that I'm a stay at home mom and I live in jeans. R and I still joke about this comment, but it still cut deep. He said something like, "Well, your mother was never like that. She was always dressed to the nines." Uh, not when she had small children she wasn't. In fact, looking at the photo albums? She almost always had on jeans, a polyester shirt and a scarf on her head. At least I do my frickin' hair.

Make sure you give me a call this weekend so that you can spill about the stuff with J. And, THANK YOU for being angry for me about what happened at Thanksgiving. That, in and of itself, is validating.

xoxo