Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Going Public

For years, I have kept these posts hidden. Used as a place to vent. Now, I am planning on stepping out and putting this out there in the world, for others to read and possibly help someone else heal and know that they are not alone.

In doing so, I had to go through all of my posts and re-read them. I wanted to eliminate names and replace them with initials. Going through this again was heartwrenching, horrifying.

Re-reading my father's letter to me brought up my despair all over again. The words of such deceit. Saying that I came to their house angry and upset, after accomplishing the feat of running a ten mile race! Saying that I created discord in the house as a teenager, when I was being beaten with the belt, getting smacked across the face, my hair yanked out of my head, being given a black eye for not calling (and still being home by curfew). Saying that I was a domineering mother! Saying that I told C that I was leaving without him. Saying that *I* was the one who brought up the crap from 20 years ago! The only thing that I said, which was absolute truth, was that my mother acted like she was the perfect mother when she kicked both of her kids out of the house. And, incidentally, I never asked how much time I have before I had to get out. I asked how much time I had to make the decision. Not that I should have to justify it to ANYONE, and that includes them, I left an abusive situation and thought that I was moving to something safer. As it turns out, it wasn't safe. And, I never said that I was raped. I was date raped. Of course, I didn't even know what had truly happened until years later, when I could process it with mature eyes. A castle of peace and a harbor from life’s storms??? My life was a living hell in their home.
But in your rebellion, you forgot the basic principals of a healthy Christian existence. First of all, it's "principle". Second, because I chose to no longer allow them to control and abuse me?

The really funny part was this: It’s time to deal with the truth. It’s time to realize that everyone else is not to blame for your life. Amazingly, my life is pretty damn awesome. Especially when they're not meddling in it.

I'm wondering if their life is all rosy, now that they don't have me to be the scapegoat.

Here goes nothing. Make sure to start at the beginning.

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