Always trying to figure it out

Still reading the blog that I mentioned in the prior post.

I cannot figure out the "labels" for my mother and father. It seems atypical that two narcissists would end up together; yet, they both are clearly narcissists. I've explored this before, reading about the different types.

My father is the compensatory narcissist, to the letter. He is the embodiment of every single one of those bullet points. For years, he has had this grandiose idea that he's going to be the next Ernest Hemmingway. He even has a framed photo of him on the wall in his home office. Like a typical daughter of a narcissist, I used to feed his ego by telling him how wonderful his works were. Um, they weren't.

Now, what of my mother? After doing more research on the above linked page, I believe that my mother is an inverted narcissist. This particular paragraph reminded me of a particular incident (of which, there were many) where my father allowed my mother to have accolades about having her name on a charity-dedicated road sign.

In comparison, the "Inverted Narcissist" can only vacillate between lack of self-worth and reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the invert is psychologically incapable of fully realizing their inherent potentials without a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or accomplishments through. They MUST have someone to whom praise can be redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of self worthlessness and genuine praise that cannot be deflected is likely to emotionally derail the inverted narcissist every time.

The sign is located in a shopping district where she works, so we were in all in the area. As we walked by it, my father brought it to everyone's attention and boasted about it. My mother acted (note I say acted) as if she was completely embarrassed by all of the praise (though the rest of us weren't as over the moon about it as my father), and my father's chest puffed up like a proud peacock. It was literally disgusting. It's a road sign. Big damn deal.

Yet, this paragraph doesn't really fit her:

Criterion FOUR Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him - similar to the Schizoid PD.

My mother seems to crave the spotlight. She used to be on numerous symphony, museum, and socialite boards. She once said that she always wanted to be in the social pages of the newspaper when she was a child. Such a commendable goal, don't you think? Maybe I'm missing the boat on the motive there.

On the OAD blog, she writes,

Having a mother who is narcissistic means you have a father that is nothing but her echo, or as the poster puts it, her puppet. I also like the term minion. These are all fancy ways of saying your father is too much of a coward to stand up to your mother. Or perhaps, so much time has passed, he doesn't have an opinion of his own and just defaults to whatever she feels and believes.

Our fathers are typically passive and enabling. Your father BELONGS to your mother and it has always been that way. My mother reminded me that my father and her are a "package deal." The father orbits around the narcissistic mother. As children, we are the outsiders who our narcissistic mothers consider to be an intrusion and competition for attention. Our fathers never cared enough about us to fight for us or protect us from our mother's disorder. The question you have to ask yourself is "Did your really ever have your father any more than you ever had your mother?"

Reverse mother and father and this was our family situation. My mother did nothing but tell me how my father is the smartest man she's ever met, how he's the most handsome man that she's ever met, how he's so wonderful at this and that. And, I've discussed ad nauseum how she never did anything to protect me from my father's beatings. I did, once upon a time, get her to admit that my father was supposed to be the one who was good with teens and, "he didn't hold up his end of the bargain." Yeah, that's an understatement.

Revisiting all of this brought up another memory. My mother was in a social sorority in high school. Apparently, during a sleepover, my grandmother (who was also a narcissist and probably bipolar) plopped right down in the middle of the girls and joined the party. My mother claimed that she was mortified, but that her friends just adored her mother. So, what does she do when I become a teen? She monopolized my friends when they would come over, especially the males. A few years ago, she said to me, "Your friends LOVED me." I mentioned it to my dear (male) friend, M, who said, "Oh yeah? Well, if that's true, why are none of us still in touch with her?" Thank God for reality and high school friends who remember the madness.

It also reminds me of how codependent they were on each other. They have actually said that they have a double bed and a love seat (no couch in their home at ALL) because they want to be as close to each other as possible. Romantic? No. Mentally unstable.