When I wrote last night, I was still completely overwhelmed with rage, rejection and disbelief (and to be honest, really wanted to hit something or someone). Almost 24 hours later, I'm looking at it as something that just really was a long time coming. I would never allow anyone else to treat C or me this way; why should I allow it simply because they gave birth to me?

It really bothered me at first that I knew that they were going to sit around and trash talk me and none of them would accept culpability... until I realized that this was what always happens, anyway. So what. I can make this the last time. I no longer have to care about their approval. I don't have to listen to it anymore. I don't have to stress about the impending visits. I don't have to hold my breath to keep from exploding over their comments and actions. I don't have to waste one more ounce of energy on any of them. They want to play the martyr? Well, there they go. As far as I'm concerned, they're no longer family. Let them cry about that until their grave.

A friend from church wrote to me and told me that, even though I don't want to hear it, I have to forgive them so that I can move on with the healing. Know what? No, I don't. Not really. I remember from the "Toxic Parents" book that I read years ago (and, incidentally, loaned to my brother like a complete idiot), forgiveness often doesn't help the healing and can even be a form of denial. The book suggested forgiving only if the person actually does something to earn it, such as acknowledging what happened or trying to make amends. I can assure you that THAT will never happen. And, even if I do forgive? It would not be the *acts* that they have committed, but I would forgive their inability to honor and cherish their own children in a loving and gentle way. I could forgive their confusion, desperation, fragility and humanity. But, I don't have to forgive what they have done. I can't tell you how many times I have heard from people who don't have narcissistic parents (and have no basis of comparison) things like, "They did the best they could" and "They're only human too" and "Maybe you held them to too high of a standard". Um no. I think it is a pretty low standard to expect that they would not belittle my child or attempt to physically hurt me.

I have to tell you that I find absolute glee in one thing that happened. When R rushed in (my hero!) and grabbed S by the neck, he slammed his head against the wall and S had an "oh shit" look on his face. Then, my dad grabbed R's arm and his 5'6" 140 lb frame didn't even move my 6'1" 200 lb husband. For once, they had both met their match. They might be able to muscle me around but guess what? They can't bully everyone. And that's what they are: BULLIES.

Fortunately, C does not ask to go over to their house or even call them. So, perhaps this happened at an age where he is young enough for me to fade them right back out. To be honest, I have very few memories from his age. I guess that it speaks volumes that I really could care less whether I ever talk to them again and my only concern is for C. I neither want nor need a relationship with such vile people. I told R this morning that I realized that I truly hate my brother. For at least 20 years, he has had this elitest and untouchable attitude, as if he is just wasting his time with such peons, even though he has done literally NOTHING with his life: he will be 35 in two weeks and has not kept a job longer than a year, he never finished college, he does not own a home, has no assets and his girlfriend of three years just turned 22 (you do the math) in October because no one his own age would put up with what a loser he is. I have no real relationship with him because he is so sensitive that he explodes over anything other than a "safe" topic (weather, tv shows). R mentioned that the reason that there were so many straws is because all three of them are so fragile that you can't say anything dissident to them, not to mention that my parents have a warped idea of what "respect" means. Just because you disagree with something that your parent says or does, it does not mean that you're being disrespectful.

So, that's it. My mother's MO is to email me with a lengthy, passive-aggressive and rambling "I'm sorry but YOU" email, which I plan to reply to with, "I did not read this and have no need to hear anything else that you might have to say. Our relationship is over. Please do not send anything to C because it will be refused. He does not need things from you. What he needed is something that none of you are willing to give: time, patience and understanding." Yep. I just heard a door slam and lock. Three strikes. They're out.

And, that's where I am. Moving forward.