Almost 2 years later -- have I finally learned?

Dear God, I hope so.

I am now divorced from R.  Another secret I hid.  He was physically abusive in 2007, dragging me across the kitchen floor by my hair and throwing me into the garage while telling me to get the f*** out after stopping him from aggressively disciplining C by carrying him by one arm & one leg and throwing him into the couch.  He was never physical again, but simply threatened with verbal abuse and intimidation.  Lots of objects in the home got broken, too.

I think R is bipolar.  My new husband, J, thinks he is, too.

How does this fit into the theme of this blog?  My mother and father found out through a fitness-related blog of mine that I was getting a divorce.  After more than 2 years of no contact, they sent me the most heartfelt correspondence I have ever gotten from them.  Like a FOOL, I fell hook, line and sinker.

They were back in my life for about 3 months, and I kept it limited contact.  J proposed shortly after my divorce was final.  My mother found out by seeing the ring on my finger when I traveled 2.5 hours to her home for her birthday, after driving 2 additional hours to get her a specialty food item.  I had no plans to discuss the engagement with them because I had gotten to the point where I didn't really care what their opinion of my life was, and telling them about it would be like asking permission in their eyes.

My father wasn't really communicating with me anyway, but my mother pretty much stopped after the trip for her birthday.  Then, I would get occasional texts.  I even called her once, as I was on my way into the courthouse to file a petition to change the time-sharing agreement and child support order due to R getting spiteful and yanking C all over the place whenever he wanted, just to show some sort of control and power (as a result of me telling him that he needed to pay his child support).

I let my mother in on the secret that I have had R's password to his email, so that I can see that conniving crap he's trying to pull... and 5 hours later, the password changes.  After 2 years of it not changing.  Coincidence?  Yeah, me neither.  I confront her via text and she DENIES it.  A few days later, I guess the security question for R's email and change the password to get back in.... and discover THIS:

Yes.  Betrayed by my own mother,  I texted the photo to my mother, called her some choice words that I will not repeat here to protect the faint of heart, and told her not to EVER contact me again.

I know I have said it before, and just spent the last couple of hours re-reading this blog, but I think we have finally come to the end of this chapter.  There will be no more communication ever again.

Always trying to figure it out

Still reading the blog that I mentioned in the prior post.

I cannot figure out the "labels" for my mother and father. It seems atypical that two narcissists would end up together; yet, they both are clearly narcissists. I've explored this before, reading about the different types.

My father is the compensatory narcissist, to the letter. He is the embodiment of every single one of those bullet points. For years, he has had this grandiose idea that he's going to be the next Ernest Hemmingway. He even has a framed photo of him on the wall in his home office. Like a typical daughter of a narcissist, I used to feed his ego by telling him how wonderful his works were. Um, they weren't.

Now, what of my mother? After doing more research on the above linked page, I believe that my mother is an inverted narcissist. This particular paragraph reminded me of a particular incident (of which, there were many) where my father allowed my mother to have accolades about having her name on a charity-dedicated road sign.

In comparison, the "Inverted Narcissist" can only vacillate between lack of self-worth and reality. No grandiosity is permitted, except in dangerous, forbidden fantasy. This shows that the invert is psychologically incapable of fully realizing their inherent potentials without a primary narcissist to filter the praise, adulation or accomplishments through. They MUST have someone to whom praise can be redirected. The dissonance between the IN's certainty of self worthlessness and genuine praise that cannot be deflected is likely to emotionally derail the inverted narcissist every time.

The sign is located in a shopping district where she works, so we were in all in the area. As we walked by it, my father brought it to everyone's attention and boasted about it. My mother acted (note I say acted) as if she was completely embarrassed by all of the praise (though the rest of us weren't as over the moon about it as my father), and my father's chest puffed up like a proud peacock. It was literally disgusting. It's a road sign. Big damn deal.

Yet, this paragraph doesn't really fit her:

Criterion FOUR Demands anonymity (in the sense of seeking to remain excluded at all costs) and is intensely irritated and uncomfortable with any attention being paid to him - similar to the Schizoid PD.

My mother seems to crave the spotlight. She used to be on numerous symphony, museum, and socialite boards. She once said that she always wanted to be in the social pages of the newspaper when she was a child. Such a commendable goal, don't you think? Maybe I'm missing the boat on the motive there.

On the OAD blog, she writes,

Having a mother who is narcissistic means you have a father that is nothing but her echo, or as the poster puts it, her puppet. I also like the term minion. These are all fancy ways of saying your father is too much of a coward to stand up to your mother. Or perhaps, so much time has passed, he doesn't have an opinion of his own and just defaults to whatever she feels and believes.

Our fathers are typically passive and enabling. Your father BELONGS to your mother and it has always been that way. My mother reminded me that my father and her are a "package deal." The father orbits around the narcissistic mother. As children, we are the outsiders who our narcissistic mothers consider to be an intrusion and competition for attention. Our fathers never cared enough about us to fight for us or protect us from our mother's disorder. The question you have to ask yourself is "Did your really ever have your father any more than you ever had your mother?"

Reverse mother and father and this was our family situation. My mother did nothing but tell me how my father is the smartest man she's ever met, how he's the most handsome man that she's ever met, how he's so wonderful at this and that. And, I've discussed ad nauseum how she never did anything to protect me from my father's beatings. I did, once upon a time, get her to admit that my father was supposed to be the one who was good with teens and, "he didn't hold up his end of the bargain." Yeah, that's an understatement.

Revisiting all of this brought up another memory. My mother was in a social sorority in high school. Apparently, during a sleepover, my grandmother (who was also a narcissist and probably bipolar) plopped right down in the middle of the girls and joined the party. My mother claimed that she was mortified, but that her friends just adored her mother. So, what does she do when I become a teen? She monopolized my friends when they would come over, especially the males. A few years ago, she said to me, "Your friends LOVED me." I mentioned it to my dear (male) friend, M, who said, "Oh yeah? Well, if that's true, why are none of us still in touch with her?" Thank God for reality and high school friends who remember the madness.

It also reminds me of how codependent they were on each other. They have actually said that they have a double bed and a love seat (no couch in their home at ALL) because they want to be as close to each other as possible. Romantic? No. Mentally unstable.

Another fine memory

I decided to do a bit of emotional dumpster diving and went to THIS site. It has been a great source of healing for me, but I hadn't checked out the links. In doing so, I discovered THIS blog. I'm only two posts in, but already have memories flooding back.

The author, One Angry Daughter, is discussing her baby shower. There are so many similiarities in our shower that it is ridiculous. But, it also made me remember my mother's inappropriate behavior at an after party for a concert that I was in.

A bit of background first.

My parents have these friends, M and J. I cannot stand these plastic people. The only thing that my parents did with this couple was drink. And drink heavily. This all started right around the time that I got engaged. My mother, who was never known to have a drink in her life unless it was a glass of wine with Christmas dinner, was suddenly calling me absolutely drunk. I don't care how old you are (and I was 25 at the time), no one wants their drunk mother calling them for anything. M and J moved out of state and I couldn't have been happier.

M and J came into town for my wedding and planned on staying with my parents after the wedding was over with, to visit. Apparently, during our honeymoon week, J got absolutely trashed and told my father that she wanted to have his baby. Yeah. Insane. So, my parents supposedly cut off ties with them. The next Christmas, I discover that they're exchanging Christmas cards and the whole dysfunctional relationship kicks back up again.

Cut to my concert, a few years later. My parents actually invite M and J to come to my concert. SO, they fly across the country to be here, and I did my best not to be angry that they were raining on my parade. They were actually quite reserved; it was my MOTHER who embarrassed me beyond belief. She got absolutely trashed at my after party, and proceeded to sit on the lap of M, flirting as loudly as can be. All of my friends were coming up to me and asking what the deal was, and if my parents were swingers. I was absolutely mortified. Yet, when I told my father the year prior that we were a dysfunctional family, he screamed at me that I hadn't had enough psych classes to be diagnosing. Riiiiight. I can't see that big elephant in the room, either. Must get credentialed. :-/

How many times do I need to learn this lesson?

Well, I shouldn't be surprised. But, I always am.

Today is C's birthday. I have tried to explain over and over again to people who think that I'm being this ogre of a mother by protecting my child against my parents, that they are not interested in being grandparents. They never used to call him, never used to send him notes in the mail, never offered to come over to see him on a non-holiday/birthday occasion, even before the huge fight on Thanksgiving '08.

In addition, their gifts have shown their lack of interest.

• Birthday 2007, they couldn't be bothered to commit to making a 2 and 1/2 hour trip to see him for his birthday and sent him an impersonal priority mail package with a coloring book, a book and 3 matchbox cars.
• Christmas of 2007, they decided to come but stayed just for the day, because they made plans to go to Epcot, though they hadn't seen their grandchild in 8 months.
• Birthday 2008, they came for a party. Then, hell broke loose on Thankgiving of 2008.
• Christmas 2008, they sent C a package, with no note to me.
• Birthday 2009, they sent a $100 Target gift card.
• Christmas 2009, they sent a $50 Target gift card.

Birthday 2010?

A card. With this greeting:

Wow - we can't believe that you are 8 years old - already. I bet that you are taller than Grandma!!

We hope that you have the "bestest", most happiest birthday - ever! Here is a BIG huggie to you, through the mail. We love you bunches and bunches. Grandma and Grandpa

Apparently, if they're not receiving accolades for the gifts that they give, it isn't worth sending anything. Either that, or they honestly think that I wouldn't give Conor the gift cards (which I did). I don't want their blood money.

I attempted to read the card to C and he walked away. Yeah, the kid has the right idea.

Going Public

For years, I have kept these posts hidden. Used as a place to vent. Now, I am planning on stepping out and putting this out there in the world, for others to read and possibly help someone else heal and know that they are not alone.

In doing so, I had to go through all of my posts and re-read them. I wanted to eliminate names and replace them with initials. Going through this again was heartwrenching, horrifying.

Re-reading my father's letter to me brought up my despair all over again. The words of such deceit. Saying that I came to their house angry and upset, after accomplishing the feat of running a ten mile race! Saying that I created discord in the house as a teenager, when I was being beaten with the belt, getting smacked across the face, my hair yanked out of my head, being given a black eye for not calling (and still being home by curfew). Saying that I was a domineering mother! Saying that I told C that I was leaving without him. Saying that *I* was the one who brought up the crap from 20 years ago! The only thing that I said, which was absolute truth, was that my mother acted like she was the perfect mother when she kicked both of her kids out of the house. And, incidentally, I never asked how much time I have before I had to get out. I asked how much time I had to make the decision. Not that I should have to justify it to ANYONE, and that includes them, I left an abusive situation and thought that I was moving to something safer. As it turns out, it wasn't safe. And, I never said that I was raped. I was date raped. Of course, I didn't even know what had truly happened until years later, when I could process it with mature eyes. A castle of peace and a harbor from life’s storms??? My life was a living hell in their home.

But in your rebellion, you forgot the basic principals of a healthy Christian existence. First of all, it's "principle". Second, because I chose to no longer allow them to control and abuse me?

The really funny part was this: It’s time to deal with the truth. It’s time to realize that everyone else is not to blame for your life. Amazingly, my life is pretty damn awesome. Especially when they're not meddling in it.

I'm wondering if their life is all rosy, now that they don't have me to be the scapegoat.

Here goes nothing. Make sure to start at the beginning.

Getting it off my brain

I know it's coming. The email from my mother is coming. This Thanksgiving, it will be 2 years since we have spoken. I know that she's going to start trying to reach out, and I have already decided that it will be handled over the phone when the time comes. No email back and forth. No interference or influence from my father. In fact, if he insists on getting on the phone, I will not speak with my mother, either. He's volatile, disrespectful and refuses to accept that I am an autonomous adult. Here is my mind dump.

*****

I wanted to talk to you on the phone because I don't want to turn this into an email relay. I just want to talk to you about where I have come with all of this.

When I wrote my apology note in April, you wrote back and said that you forgave me. You never apologized for any of the things that you did or said, but you accepted my apology.

Months later, in July, within days of each other, I received emails from both Dad and S.

Those two emails crushed me. I won't even elaborate on the vast differences between our view of what happened and the view that the three of you have clearly discussed and agreed upon, because S and Dad's emails were almost identical in certain parts. S told me that he had never liked me, called me a bully, accused me of being a domineering mother, accused me of physically attacking you and then told me that he hoped that someone knocks me down a few pegs and only wishes he would be there when it happens. If you don't have a copy of that one, you should ask him for it.

Dad re-wrote my entire apology letter, telling me what it should have said, brought up things that happened more than 20 years ago that had nothing to do with the context of the situation nor any relevance to anything that had happened, and sealed his letter by telling me that he did not accept my apology because I had not accepted responsibility for what happened. In other words, I had knocked on the door and it had been slammed shut.

I don't know if you read S's email, but I know that Dad carbon copied you on his. He wanted to make sure that I knew that you had seen it, because he could have blind copied you and I never would have known whether you even knew about his response. But, you did know. And, you said nothing. You could have emailed me and told me that those were not your views. You could have called me and told me that you disagreed with the things that they had said, told me that they were out of line, that you told them not to send the letters. But, you didn't. Your silence spoke volumes to me. You let those words resonate in my head, knowing what they said, and you did not defend me.

I will always love you. But, I don't see how this is mendable.

The worst part of all was that those emails were not said in the heat of the moment, like the events in the argument. Those emails were sent 3 months after my apology letter and 8 months after the argument happened. The purpose of those emails was not to mend fences or create a bridge. They were meant for the sole purpose of burning the bridge. And, that's what they have done. Even if I could bear to be in the same room, how could I ever get beyond knowing, "Well, I know exactly what they think about me as a person."

All a person has is his apology. I can offer nothing more. My character has been attacked, my apology has not been accepted and there is nothing else to say. I have accepted that and have had to move on.

Adding memories

Started reading the very first post on this blog and remembered how they treated me on the birthdays that I decided not to spend with them. I don't remember which birthday - my 16th, I think - when I decided to spend my birthday at the volleyball marathon. The CHURCH volleyball marathon. And my parents got absolutely pissed off at me that I wanted to do that, instead of spending it with them. And, they froze me out.

And, my 17th birthday (that must be right, because I was involved with S by then and had broken up with J), when I came home after JR had alcohol poisoning: R and I were supposed to be at the school's dance marathon, but of course J's situation blew that out of the water. I came home the next day, and my parents sat in the living room and didn't even acknowledge that I had walked in the house. There was a present and card wrapped up and sitting on the counter for me. It was a camera. I went around the corner and thanked them and my mother said coldly, "Since your friends are so important, we thought it you'd want to take pictures of them."

Always punished for being an individual, instead of catering to them.

Some of my FB friends joined this stupid group and it just set me off. I posted,

I'm highly offended by the group " IF I SPOKEN TO MY PARENTS HOW KIDS TALK NOW DAYS I`D BEEN KNOCKED OUT." (nice grammar, by the way) If you think it's such a great way to be raised, why aren't you beating your kids? Clicking "like" on that group and condoning that a parent disciplines in that way is nothing to be proud of. It doesn't teach respect. Speaking from experience, it teaches fear and resentment.

It made me wonder if I'm ever going to be able to deal with all of the crap that happened with my parents. I think back to all of the dysfunctional crap that went on, and I think about how twisted my parents were that they did all of those things. I can't even imagine hitting C with a belt, punching him in the face, grabbing his entire head of hair and yanking it, pinching his arms. I don't even like the few times that I've smacked his lips and have regretted doing it.

I get so angry that my parents think that they are justified in what they have done, and don't see it as abusive. Because of that, I have doubted myself for years and years and don't know how to talk about it, or what to do with all of that processing. I guess I'm still looking for validation that what they did was wrong and that I have every right to be mentally messed up about it.

I also hate hearing from people who have no clue what I have lived with, who try to preach forgiveness to me. My parents are not capable of having a healthy relationship. I've done the forgive-forgive-forgive thing. Nothing changes. And, now it isn't just me, anyway. It's C. And I'm almost grateful to autism because that is what gave me strength to break the cycle. Because I knew that C processes differently and has to be disciplined in a non-conventional way, I did not buy into my parents' idea of discipline. I doubt that I would have been as abusive as they were, but I know that I would have felt the pressure to live up to their expectations of how C should be. Hell, until we got his diagnosis, I did feel that way.

I know, without a doubt, that C will grow up and thank us for the way that we raised him and all that we did for him. He already shows his love for us and understands why we do the things that we do. He is becoming such an amazing little guy. (Little. Ha! He's 4'2"!)

I just keep praying that God shows me why I've been through what I have. Maybe this is it.

I turned 40. Though I have not communicated with them since I received the emails from my brother and father in July of '09, my parents sent me a sappy card for my 40th birthday (yes, they just had to put a shadow on the day), written like a eulogy, and they even got the date wrong. I kid you not. My mother wrote my brother's birth year, 1973, instead of my own. I also received two emails on Sunday from my mother about an ex-neighbor of more than 25 years ago (that we haven't spoken with in that long, either).

It just eats at me and eats at me. I have mental arguments with their irrationalities. I try to prove to them in my mind that their thinking is twisted and could, in no way, have happened the way that they are claiming. I address all of the hateful things that they have said/written and question their lack of apology and how they could pretend that it never happened. And then I have to stop and bottle it all back up, knowing that this conversation in real life would be nothing but frustrating, hurtful and unresolvable. Recapping: after the huge mess on Thanksgiving '08, I wrote an apology letter for my part in it in April '09. After I wrote my apology letter a year ago, I received letters back to back from both my father and brother three months later. Their letters proved my conspiracy theory that they were sitting around and trashing me, as well as corroborating their convoluted gaslighting stories.

I go back and read those hateful words to remind myself that I can't argue any of it. I will never, ever be able to have a healthy relationship with any of them because they truly believe what they have written about and to me. Why do I even want a relationship with them, then? Because I'm a mammal and it's in my genetic code to want to be part of your own family. To be honest, I actually begin to forget about them and release the stress that they cause... and then my mother sends a stupid email forward or I get a ridiculous birthday card, acting as if everything is just fine. A friend made a joke, "Apparently, they don't realize that you're not speaking to each other."

Things I want to say to my parents and brother, Part One

I'm sure that there will be many more parts to this.

*******

TO MY FATHER:
What a twist you have put on Thanksgiving. Do you forget that you and S make a huge stink about how "we ate what we were given and that was that"? You even banged your fist on the table! Suddenly, I'm the domineering mother because I was trying to get C to eat 3 bites of potato??? And incidentally, I was ONLY pushing the issue because I didn't want to hear your shit and catch your attitude about giving him just a corn muffin for dinner. I can't win when it comes to C's food issues. When I bring him a special meal, I get snide comments and under the breath mutters. When I don't, I get accused of forcing him to eat something that he "clearly had no motivation to do".

TO MY BROTHER:
I NEVER slapped C over trying the potato. In fact, that has NEVER been our MO to get C to try a new food. New food is not disciplined; it is encouraged and cajoled. If anything, you could accuse me (us) of coddling to him. THAT would have, at least, been situational. But, all three of you have obviously sat around and made up stories in your head until it sounds right to you and places every single bit of the blame on me.

Oh, and YOU were under a tremendous amount of stress??? We own a business. We are in a lawsuit. We have an autistic child. Want to compare stress levels??

The Long and the short of it

So, my father wrote me back. I find it fascinating that I wrote my apology in April, and my brother and father respond within days of each other.

His letter is extremely long and extremely inflammatory. I debated whether to post it, because it is so completely self-indulgent and memememe, not to mention that there were things that were brought up that happened 20 years ago (and have no relevance to the argument on Thanksgiving - make sure to remember what actually transpired on that day, written less than 24 hours after the blow-up, as it differs vastly from what my family has chosen to recall) and those things from the past and Thanksgiving are completely twisted, incorrect and missing vital pieces of the story. But, I put it here for a couple of reasons.

First, I want to remind myself that these things were said. MONTHS after an argument. Not in the heat of the moment, but cold and calculated. Said to hurt. Said to be "right". Said because he feels justified in speaking words of hatred.

Second, I want to show exactly what I have dealt with all of my life. These are things that shouldn't be said from a father of any kind.  I have actually addressed some of these issues that he brings up in previous posts.  

He re-writes my apology letter and then, in the end, tells me that he won't accept my apology because I didn't take responsibility for my actions. He then goes on a tirade about how very important he is in his school district and how well-versed he is on autism. Incidentally, having navigated two districts in the Florida school system, there is no way that he is considered a "Specialist" of any kind on autism. These people have Masters degrees in Special Education, with certifications in Autism. He has neither. He also deals with middle schoolers, an entirely different animal than a 6 year old with autism. Notwithstanding, every child with autism is unique.

On with the show.

Dear Calendula:

I am sorry that it has taken me this long to digest what happened in my home almost a year ago and respond to your letter. I’m sure you are not going to like what I am saying in this email, but it is my perception — and therefore, my reality.

Following, is a copy of your email and my comments (my thoughts as I read it):

*******************************

Dear Dad, Mom and S:

I have been praying about this situation (What situation? By not precisely identifying “the situation” leaves an ambiguity and lack of full responsibility.) since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility (This implies that others have responsibility for what happened as first actors not reactors.) in all of this.

I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. (Should have said, “not anyone’s fault but my own.” The way it is worded implies shared and equal fault.) I realize that we are all responsible (Should have said, “I am responsible for my actions…”) for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond (This implies that something happened (by someone else — us!) for which you had cause and were justified in reacting the way you did.) in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.

Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you. (We are all guilty of this. Αγάπη is the most difficult love to achieve.)

I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C (Points the finger at us and blames us for the problem at Thanksgiving.

Additionally, I am considered a resource in the M County School District when determining what accommodations and modifications need to be used in the classroom to assist autistic children in their learning.

So far, I have had nine autistic students. In all cases, the students seem to be able to function without any problems in my class. For some of them, my class is the only mainstream classroom within which they are allowed to stay. The rest of their subjects are learned in an ESE environment.

I have been visited by the District Psychologist and the District Social Worker numerous times in the last two years so that they could observe what I do, and write the procedures up to be followed by the rest of the Middle School teaching staff throughout the county. This was initiated three years ago when two students were classified as “special needs” and moved to ESE classrooms. These two students begged, and actually broke down in tears, to be left in my classroom. After being unable to console the students, (they were in separate classes) the guidance councilors, along with the district psychologist, determined that the best thing for the students was to leave them in my room since they were functioning and performing.

The District personnel were impressed that I didn’t treat the students any different than the mainstream students, and that I was able to discern the difference between Autism and normal preteen behavior. They now, for my school only, call me in to assist in evaluating whether a student should be classified as a special needs child and enter a Child Study category to eventually be placed in ESE for whatever reason (Autism, ADD ADHD, etc. and even Tourette Syndrome) or is it just normal preadolescent behavior or behavior driven by the emotional needs of the student based on his/her home life.

I have not gained my knowledge of Autism from only experiencing one child, nor have I learned about the disability from the Internet. I have taken classes and spent almost 200 days a year for an hour a day for the last three years working with, observing, talking with, and laughing with autistic children. I am not saying I know anything about younger autistic children, but saying I have no tolerance and no understanding is way off the mark.) or our feelings about him, (What feelings?) but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part (Again, implies that we share equally in the problem created at Thanksgiving. And, if we do have a part, this letter does not forgive anything nor does it beg forgiveness for the actual altercation that took place as a result of you forcing an issue.) of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I do love all of you.

Calendula

****************************

Now, as to the day:

Immediately upon your arrival, I could see something was amiss. It was as if you were mad at the world. Soon after you arrived, you proceeded to snark at R and C. And you continued up until we sat down to dinner. Something happened that morning before you came to visit. Something that hurt you and angered you greatly.

Now, let’s clear up why I left the table. I could stand to watch no longer, you forcing C to eat something for which he had no desire regardless of his motivation. And speaking of motivation, I cannot fathom a guess at yours except to force your will upon C. My question is, Why did this have to take place at a family diner? Why couldn’t you have tried this at home?

Upon making C eventually gag and vomit, it seemed totally unreasonable to continue your insistence. I did not invite you, R, C, S, and S’s girlfriend to my table to see a demonstration of a domineering mother horrify her child. For whose benefit was this? Who were you trying to dominate, C, R, or the whole family? And, why? So you could have the whole group’s attention on you? If so, it worked.

Then, to my disbelief, after I left the table, you began verbally ripping your mother to pieces. You were relentless and could not be comforted. It was somewhat unbelievable that two people leaving the dinner table could cause that much anger, hostility, and violence from you. It was as if we had been fighting all day long, and finally you had had enough.

It was as if you were a teenager again, having a tantrum. But you are almost 40! When will you realize that you should act respectful to your parents? Notice I used the work ACT. You may not feel it, but you should act it. When will you realize, that by doing what you did on Thanksgiving Day, you showed C that it is okay to talk back to your parents, to yell at them, swear at them, strike them?

Additionally, you said a number of things that not only did I hear, but also, so did the neighbors. From the front yard, you spouted profanity and threatened to kill S. From the back yard, you said to C, “Come on C, we’re going.” To which he said he didn’t want to leave. You then said in an angry tone, “Fine, then I’m leaving without you.”

What kind of message does that send a little child? My mom will leave me at the drop of a hat? But, I didn’t do anything!

Then, there were your last words to me:

As you were backing out the sliders on your way to the yard, I said, “Calendula, calm down.”

You yelled back, “Go f _ _ _ yourself.” And out the door you went.

I agree with you, we cannot get together. Maybe we never will be able to visit face to face ever again. And that breaks my heart to think of it. There is so much you have pushed to the deep recesses of your mind with which you need to reckon and come to terms. You need to invest some time in yourself to exorcize the demons that are plaguing you. By not doing so, those pieces of your past will continually unsettle your subconscious mind, and you will never have peace.

One final conundrum. We all make decisions that, good or bad, play out throughout our lives and affect how we treat others. When you were rebelling against us and spending time with J, after we found out he had a criminal record and pleaded with you to walk away from him, and we had experienced enough of your disrespect for our home and the peace we attempted to maintain, we gave you a choice to either not see him any longer and stay in our home, or if you insisted on staying with him, you had to leave our house.

We knew that every moment spent with him would continue to deteriorate the sweet soul and kind heart of the little girl somewhere still inside. This choice was presented to you in a calm and controlled manner. Your response was, “How much time do I have?”

Later we found out from you that, on our wedding anniversary, when you stayed out all night with him, he raped you. You said that happened. We didn’t hear it from anyone else.

The statement that he raped you begs the question: Why would you stay with a person who raped you? And why would you blame us for, in your mind, “kicking you out of the house?” You had a choice, and you made it. Bringing this up again during your tirade on Thanksgiving showed me that you are not facing the reality of the situation. You were living in our home, a home we worked hard to make a castle of peace and a harbor from life’s storms. It wasn’t perfect, but we always strove for excellence. You could have stayed.

However, even after you chose J over your family and threatened to sue us because you couldn’t get public assistance, we continually attempted to help you. And by the way, do you know why you were refused public assistance? It was because we told the social worker that you could come back home. But of course, you refused — choosing to stay in a less grotesque situation, in your mind. A situation where you felt you were less controlled. I think if you really analyze the two environments, your family life and your life with J, you will realize that you jumped from the frying pan into the proverbial fire.

For over a year, you chose not to communicate with any of us. I can handle rejection — I’ve had it all my life. But your mother didn’t deserve to be rejected by someone for whom she placed her own life and professional career on hold. She was always there for you, never missing anything. She fought for you, cried with you, laughed with you, and loved you 24/7. I wonder, of all the other friends you had, did they have a mother so loving, kind, wise, and accessible? And how much longer will you have yours?

Then, one New Year’s Eve you called and begged us to come get you away from him. We put our snacks away, placed the perishables back in the refrigerator, poured our drinks down the drain, and a little after 11:00 pm, we drove to your location. We celebrated the passing of the old year in tears while driving back home without you.

You stood on the sidewalk, in the weather, hugging a stuffed animal, unable to step into our car and escape the evil with which you chose to align yourself. Yet, you blame us for your fate, a fate you chose. Our plan for you was to attend college. We had arranged loans and grants. But you chose him.

You are responsible for your decisions. We brought you up, exposing you to all the positive tools for living a happy life. But in your rebellion, you forgot the basic principals of a healthy Christian existence. Now, looking back, what did you accomplish? And what are you still accomplishing by your continual rebellion?

There were house rules in place to maintain peace and respect for others. We had another child to think about, and your only concern was for yourself with no regard for anyone else. You were destructive. You didn’t want harmony. It was as if you detested it.

Please take the time to think through your past, no matter how painful, and find the reality of your time with us. You may need someone who is licensed in helping people do this. Until you face reality, you will always have this pent-up anger. And, your spirit will never be at peace. You must determine with whom you are really angry. R? C? S? Me? Mom? Every other person in your life. God? Or you? It’s time to deal with the truth. It’s time to realize that everyone else is not to blame for your life.

Regardless of the situation, and your last words to me, I love you, and I always will. And, I pray you find peace in this life.

Dad

Holy crap, these things just jumped out at me as I was reading about others' experiences with toxic parents.

She doesn't have as much time or opportunity to pretend to be the hero rescuing my children (which means one has to play the role of a victim she can focus her attention on and then someone else gets to be singled out as the bad guy).

That is what they are doing!! Holy crap! They are trying to pretend to be the hero, rescuing C!

I broke off all communications with my parents last year. They are both toxic individuals towards me. Yet I still keep yearning for a relationship with them. I'll be honest here, there were some terrible times with them but there were some good times too. I can't understand why I still want to see them or hear from them. Am I a glutton for punishment? They are both in their seventies now and let's face it won't be around for ever. I tried to talk to them about my "recovery" and was told that I was mentally ill and always had been. Deep inside I wish I had a "normal" family but am coming to the realization that this won't happen. Yet, I wish

That is exactly how I feel.


1) You Aren't Responsible For What Your Parents Did To You As a Child, They Are
2) You Are Responsible For What You Do With Your Life Now, Your Parents Aren't

I need to GET THIS. They are not responsible for what I do with my life. Therefore, they not only have no say but have no right to have an opinion about it.


Acceptance. This is how it is.

Not how it:
was
might have been
should have been

Not how I:
want it to be
hoped it would be
planned it to be

I accept that this is how it is.
And now I will get on with my life in a positive way.

Like anything else. The ability to cope with toxic parents and accepting that you cannot change their behaviors….takes practice. And this practice may not produce visible results for quite some time. However, ridding yourself of the fallout (the negative emotions) from dealing with toxic parents:

• the anger
• the depression
• the frustration
• the sadness

will hopefully provide enough incentive necessary to accept and move on with your life. One statement. One step. At a time.

And, a link to read over and over again:

http://www.brighthill.net/innerchild/toxic_parents.htm

Can the hits just STOP?

Besides the ups and downs with C, our business situation is a mess right now. The lawsuit is still dragging on, it has destroyed our credit (all of our lines of credit havebeen cancelled on us) and the insane amount of business debt is just crippling our business (especially in this economy).

As if that wasn't enough, I got a response from my *father* this morning. They have completely twisted everything that happened on Thanksgiving (I wrote what happened on Thanksgiving night, so Ididn't even have time to spin it), and he basically crucified me for everything that has happened in the last 20 years. He also twisted some other things, too., i.e., while working as a CNA, I tried to go back to school to become an RN and applied for Public Assistance. I was denied because, back then, if your parents would take you back in at 18, you couldn't collect. The account rep told me that I would have to sue for emancipation. My father twisted the hell out of this one... and actually brought it up. Sigh.

Yes, I'm sad that I have to close the door but I'm not closing the door on much, to begin with. My family is just hateful. I'm worried, of course, that they will be vengeful (when I'm silent) and call HRS to try and hurtme. According to my father and brother, I'm just this horrible mother.To be honest, I wasn't even going to read it. And, then curiosity got the better of me. I knew better. And now, I am just completely wounded over the whole thing all over again.

They make me feel like I'm a horrible, horrible person. He actually picked apart my apology email (who does that?!?!?) and told me what I should have said. Then, he told me that, because I didn't take responsibility, that he did not accept my apology... since I didn't apologize for what I did. Now, THAT? That is on HIM.

Oh, he also told me that I have abandoned my Christian values. Basically, he tried to attack me in every possible way.

I feel so empty inside.

I'm still trying to figure it all out. I hate thinking that people are talking trash about me. My brother confirmed that they certainly are. I know that I am not crazy and I know it isn't just me.

Frankly, I have to just let it go. Nothing I can say will ever change the horrible things that they think of me and they are convinced that everything that happens is 100% my fault and they are not responsible for their actions; I am. I can't fix that level of denial and blatant refusal to accept responsibility for themselves. I tried to do the right thing by telling them that I was sorry and that I was owning my own poor decisions and actions. Too bad that all three of them are martyrs and think that things happen to them, and they play no part in any of it.

I just feel, right now, that I keep getting a mirror shoved in my face so that I can examine what's wrong with me. I wouldn't have a problem with that if it wasn't expected to be one-sided. It seems as if I am supposed to atone for my sins and acquiesce, but I better keep my opinions to myself because, after all, I'm "loud and opinionated".

I'll get through this.

IDIOT

I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot: my brother for writing this piece of trash, or ME for actually thinking that doing the right thing towards them would yield a positive result.

Remember that I wrote a simplistic apology email and took responsibility for my own actions, stating that I did not have to react the way that I did.

Apparently, it is all my fault; what I did, what they did. Of course it is. But, the way that things are "remembered" is beyond stunning. I chose the wrong time to force my child to eat an unfavored food (did he forget his unsolicited opinion on how 'we ate what we were given', which I was actually trying to do so that I could avoid an altercation??), I reprimanded and slapped C for not eating potatoes (neeeeeever happened and has never been how we approach a food aversion with C), I attacked my mom (so, how did the container of corn muffins that I had in my arms end up on the floor in front of the front door? Did my mother forget that she came running up behind me, grabbing my entire head of hair as I was leaving her house and I defended myself? Or, did she leave that small, little detail out when crying the blues to my brother?), I attacked my brother (how, exactly, did I get so close to him that I was able to place my hand around his neck and push him across the room? Could it be because he was spitting in my face as he screamed at me?) and I'm just one, big bully and horrible mother. Oh, and Biblethumper, apparently (though I can't ever recall a time where I would have even bothered to quote scripture to my brother, who turned his back on the church years ago.)

Ironically, I was just speaking with M, one of my oldest and dearest friends (of 20+ years), today who asked me, "I don't understand why you felt the need to apologize for anything. They're not ever going to change. You need to walk away." And then I get this in my inbox.

I should know better, but when three people (three family members) are all telling you, "You're crazy", you start to believe it a little bit. You start to question every single relationship in your life and wonder if this is how you are actually perceived to others; to friends.

Incidentally, this email was undeniably coached by my mother. It has her handiwork written all over the style, especially the incorrect use of commas. I also tend to think that someone either showed them or talked to them about what I wrote on my blog or in a private email about that day. This email is awfully contrived, answering questions and allegations that I never addressed in my apology email... but were definitely posed on my blog.

Anyway, on with the show.

---

Calendula,

I have been thinking about how I wanted to respond to your letter since I received it. I am still not sure of what I want to say. One thing I do want to say is that your perception of what caused me to leave the table was not accurate. At no point did I, have I or will I blame your son for anything that happens. I got up from the table because of the tension that was being caused. I have nothing but love for your son and for you to think that I am intolerant of him or his special needs and circumstances, just shows me how much you don't know me. I left the table because of you.

On a daily basis I was in an environment that I don't wish on my worst enemies. The last thing I needed was more tension and turmoil. I know everyone has their own set of problems so I don't choose to share much of mine with other people. So that being said, you couldn't have known, that I would not be able to handle what was happening at dinner. In regards to that; there is a time and a place where broadening your sons pallet would be more then acceptable regardless of the reaction or consequences. Thanksgiving dinner is neither the time nor the place. When you started to raise your voice with C followed by a quick slap to the face, I tried to make light of it but all that happened is my stomach started having problems. This was not only from the elevated tension but from the gagging and the soon to follow vomit which thank God I didn't see. Did I get up with an attitude...Yes, and I admit that, but not because of C, again it was because of you.

You stated in your letter that "I did not have to choose to react and respond" by saying this you have quickly placed the blame and the cause of the whole incident on someone else. In order for there to be a reaction there has to be an action. So if I play things backward from the blow up, mom started getting yelled at by you, dad left the table because of the gagging and vomit, C was gagging and vomited, you forced C to eat potatoes,I left the table because of the tension and the discipline, C was being reprimanded and slapped, you slapped and reprimanded C for not eating the potatoes, C was pitching a fit because you were trying to force him to eat potatoes, you were forcing C to eat potatoes which you knew he didn't want to. No matter which way you look at it you put the whole thing in motion. I am saying it straight out so there can be no questions of my meaning, YOU are to blame for the whole thing. You were the action that caused the numerous reactions including your own.

Calendula, for as long as I can remember you have always been very loud and outspoken. That for some reason is who you are. I personally do not enjoy being around you. I feel terrible saying that but I am being truthful about my feelings. I was not going to come to Thanksgiving because I wanted it to be a relaxing day and I knew if you were there I would not be relaxed. I don't know if it is the sheer volume that you do everything in, or the high energy, or the feeling of chaos I get when I am around you. All I know is that I am very tense when our whole family is together. There is this feeling that I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around you and I won't do it anymore.

I want to make this very clear, I do not hold any grudges against you for anything in the past. I have moved way past that crap. Everything I feel currently is based on the time that has been spent since we have all lived in Florida. We have gone through times where we have gotten along great and times where we didn't. Most of the times we haven't is because you have gotten overly upset because you thought your child was being mistreated or misunderstood. I understand that C is the love of your life but everyone is not out to get him especially not me. Do I agree with the way you handle some of the things with C? No, but it is not my place to say and I don't have a child so anything I say will be ignored anyway. The problem is Calendula, that nobody can have an opinion that is different then yours. You say we will just have to agree to disagree but the way it is said and the attitude and feeling behind it makes it painfully clear that your opinion is the only one that matters. I have a hard time being around someone that I feel is a bully. You said a number of years ago that I was a bully to your son. I have never bullied anyone in my life. I have been bullied which is why I won't do it to anyone. You however are a bully. You have always been and probably always will be. You force your way and opinions on everyone and if they don't go along with you, you make it very unpleasant to be around you. That may not be the physical bully everyone thinks of but a mental bully is just as bad and sometimes worse. I spend most of my time biting my tongue because I don't want to start a fight, especially since mom doesn't get us all together very often, but someone needs to knock you down a few pegs and I am sorry I probably won't be there to see it when it happens. You want to quote scriptures and talk bible when it is convenient. Did Jesus force his ideas on people? Does God for that matter? People are given a choice to make their own decisions even as far as if they want to believe or follow God. Now if the most powerful thing that man has ever known can let people choose their own way, why do you have such a problem with it? Are you better then them? Until you start to practice what you preach, don't ever quote scripture to me again. I don't want to hear it from you.

Calendula, I will say this, and I am going to try and put this in a non threatening way because it is not a threat. You are never to touch mom, dad or myself in anger again. We are grown adults and whether you like what we are doing or saying or not, getting physical is not to happen again.

I give R a lot of credit and commend him for coming into the room to defend his wife. I am glad to know that he will defend and protect you when it is needed. Unfortunately in this case you didn't need to be protected, we did.

Calendula, I didn't start yelling at you. You came into the room and started to scream in my face. I calmly asked you "why are you yelling at me?" more then once, then I got loud. You put your hands on me, so I shoved you. Calendula, you need to remember that I was brought up not to hit a women, but if you go to far I will defend myself and at this point, with mom and dad at the ages they are, I will defend them too.

I guess the question that I need an answer to is this, did my getting up from the table upset C or you? Since I already know the answer, I'm curious what affect you think your actions had on C. I did nothing to harm or upset your son, but what you did very well may have left a life long impression. You should thank God that my girlfriend took C outside to play so that he didn't have to witness the insanity that ensued. Another question, what did mom do that warranted you blasting her for dad and I leaving the table? Why did you have to get angry and raise your voice? Why did you have to get physical? Why would you try to hit and kick me? Why did you have to let the whole neighborhood know there was a problem in our family? Why would you drag mom down to the ground by her hair? Why did you have to threaten to kill me? Calendula, you were intentionally trying to hurt. I am not sure why you have so much anger in you, but if it is about the past you need to let it go. If it is about something else you need to figure out what it is and deal with it. If I reacted in the same manner that was being projected, the fight with you would have been much shorter but then R and I would have been the ones settling things. If that is what you're trying to accomplish then bravo because it almost happened. Something snapped in your mind and you lost all control of yourself. Calendula, you need to figure out what is going on in your mind before any of us can even start to.

Asking for forgiveness from me is unnecessary. I forgave you along time ago before this even happened. The sad thing is I forgive you every time I am around you because I know that the person that I see is not who you really are. Somewhere in there is a beautiful, caring, understanding, sympathetic, loving sole. I think she has been lost for a very long time and hasn't been able to find her way out. Some day I hope to see her or meet her again.

None of what I have said is intended to hurt or offend you. I hope you can just see it for what it is, my feelings and my opinion right or wrong.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
- Galatians 5:22-23

Love,
Your Brother

So, I was absolutely right: they've all been sitting around and trash-talking me and twisting the story until it made sense for them in their narcissistic minds.

This entire email is one big hypocritical, contradictory line of bullshit. I especially like how he says that he hopes that someone knocks me down a few pegs (and wishes he could be there to see it) and, in the next breath, tells me how he forgave me a long time ago before this happened. But, my favorite part has to be the line about how he was raised not to hit a woman... by the man who not only hit his daughter with a belt until the day she left home at 18 but his own wife. Ooh, dirty little secrets that I bet he wouldn't want out. Yes, he used to hit my mother. It wasn't a daily thing, but does that matter? That, my friends, is a bully.

I admit it. I can't fix this. I am walking away and closing the door for good. Another dear friend told me, "You need to do absolutely nothing. You have been their scapegoat for years and now they're twisting C into the center of it. When they all realize that things still suck, you won't be there to blame anymore." That really spoke volumes to me. Sadly, Istill don't think that they'll get it even then. It won't be my fault anymore, but it still won't be theirs. I just have to accept that it is not MY mission to get them to look in the mirror.

Lies or not? It still hurt, though.

Clueless or calculating?

How is it even possible that someone that you're not even speaking to can still find ways to hurt you beyond belief?

When I mailed Mother's Day cards from both C and I, I received a "thank you" email, written more to C than me. When I sent off my mother's birthday cards (June 5th) from C and I, I never heard a response back. Undaunted, I planned on sending Father's day cards. As I placed them in the mailbox today and pulled out the mail from yesterday, I received a postcard from Paris with this written on it:

Hi C!!

This is the biggest letter A that I have ever seen! (reference to Eiffel Tower)

When we saw it, we thought of you! I bet you could build this with your Legos!! We miss you and love you bunches and bunches!

Love,

Grandma & Grandpa

And yes, it's authentic. French stamp, french postmark. So, they're too broke to buy a new car or rent one but can go to France. And, they can't travel 2 and 1/2 hours east to see their grandson, but they can travel overseas.

R said that he would send an email and ask if they really wanted me to give the postcard to C that shows that they'll travel to France but not to see him.

I'm utterly speechless and, frankly, brokenhearted. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep dealing with these types of things when they are either obviously clueless about how self-centered they are or they purposely throw daggers.

The more things change...

The more they stay the same.

I sent a pretty generic Mother's Day card from me and a card from C. I received a terse "thank you" email this morning. But, I also received... a forward.

Yep. She's sending me forwards again.

Something is going to change this time, however. Me.

Reponse

Sigh. I have to accept this. I received an email response from my mother:

Dear Calendula,

I forgave you the minute you walked out the door, on Thanksgiving Day.

I, too, have been praying for healing for our family everyday, as well as praying over you, R & C.

I have put my trust in God, and in His perfect timing, knowing that He alone knows each of our hearts. My prayer has been, and will continue to be until God calls me home, that our family will come to know healing and finally peace.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, and prayer filled, email. It means more to me than you can imagine.

I've tried to tell you, all of your life, how much I love you.

I pray that someday you will come to know the depth of my love for you.

You are my child, my first born. I knew you, and loved and wanted you, from the moment you were conceived. I carried you under my heart for nine months, and when you were born you came out from under my heart and went into my heart.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Mom

Oh, and she cc'd both my father and my brother.

I am trying so very hard not to judge and, instead, to look at the plank in my own eye. The email spoke to my forgiveness, but of course did not once mention her wrongdoings or ask for forgiveness for her responsibility. And, the email said the same stuff that it always says. They're words. The same words.

My mother also called my cell phone while C and I were taking a nap. I plagued over whether to call her back. I finally decided that I would, at the least, call her and let her know that I knew that I had missed her call. I don't want to play games. Well, I get her on the phone and I tell her that I saw that she had called while C and I were napping (and I clearly sound like a frog, since I'm pretty ill right now) and she told me that it was an accident and she hit the wrong button. Seriously? In 5 months, she hasn't accidentally hit that button but hit it today of all days? I told her that I just wanted to call her back and that I had gotten her email. Her response was that she has always loved me and someday she hopes that I'll understand just how much. I simply responded that I did understand that. She then told me that she was in the grocery store, it probably wasn't the best place to talk and that she hadn't meant to call because she wanted to respect my space. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Silly me. Part of me hoped that, even though she just can't seem to accept that she is responsible for her own actions, she would still want to have a pleasant conversation and would want to talk with C. Nope.

I need to keep praying.

About Forgiveness

Forgiveness, as a Christian, is a funny thing. It is not something that comes naturally to any of us. That doesn't change simply because you know Christ. What does change, however, is that we change from being driven by our own thoughts and emotions and understanding (which we are told not to rely upon because they are unstable and easily influenced) to knowing that we must try to emulate Christ. Why? Because we have been commanded, in love, to do so. Forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by our obedience to God and his command to forgive. Why? The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times."

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

Matthew 6:14-16
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins

We are to forgive by faith, out of obedience. And, we trust God to do the rest. Isn't that hard? Yep. That's why it's called "faith". Anger doesn't go away, except with lots of prayer. Prayer for that person(s), prayer for ourselves. When we pray, we will begin to see that person as God sees them. He loves that person as much as He loves us, and none of us are without sin. It is not our place to judge that person for their sins. God tells us to drop our sins at his feet and he forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. When we are tortured by something that we have already asked forgiveness for, He does not remember it. We are supposed to strive to do the same thing. I have been keeping a private blog as a dumping ground for those very things. When something tries to rear its ugly head again, I can go back to that blog and see that I have already written about it and have released it. No more anger over those things. That anger only hurts me.

Psalm 32:3-5
When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD"—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

And, that's where I am. I decided to write an apology to my parents and brother. When I first told a close friend, she became angry for me. She wanted to know why I am always the one who reaches out. Why I always feel as if I have to "fix" things. Why I think that I need to apologize for anything? I explained that, for the first time, this was different. The other times, I was doing it for me. For approval. To heal discord. To mend a bridge for C. This time, I was doing it because this is what Christ requires of me. I must ask, with a pure heart, for forgiveness. Let's face it: I am not innocent in the things that happened on Thanksgiving. I could have walked away peacefully. No matter what they said or did (and no matter how wrong it was), I DID NOT HAVE TO REACT. But, I did. And now, I must atone for that to God. I must ask for forgiveness. What they do with that is up to them. They don't have to forgive me. In fact, I doubt that they will. But, I am only accountable to one place: my job is to do right by God.

Here is the letter:

Dear Dad, Mom and S:

I have been praying about this situation since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility in all of this.

I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. I realize that we are all responsible for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.

Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you.

I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C or our feelings about him, but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.

I do love all of you.

Calendula