DISCLAIMER: I know that this is going to be really hard for a lot of people to read because it is a deeply personal look into my controlling and abusive upbringing. But, I need to do this for me. I won't be offended if you have to stop reading.
I have pretty much spent the last few days engulfed in the book, "If You Had Controlling Parents", during any down-time. I purchased this book months and months ago and, for whatever reason, I never read more than 50 pages into it. Perhaps I had healed enough at the time in order to attempt some sort of functional relationship with my dysfunctional family. We all know how that turned out. I have since picked it back up and have escaped, not out of boredom but emotional overload, by falling asleep three times.
The book breaks the overcontrolling parent(s) into 8 types:
Smothering
Depriving
Perfectionistic
Cultlike
Chaotic
Using
Abusing
Childlike
Between both of my parents, they exhibited every.single.type.
The book describes "The Dirty Dozen Methods of Unhealthy Parental Control". Again, my parents utilized each method and I relate to at least one of the examples:
1. Food Control -- Dictating what, when and how children eat
Sound familiar?
2. Body Control -- Attempts to dictate dress and personal grooming
I was not given freedom to purchase my own clothes, even when I had my own job. Clothes were purchased only and approved by my parents.
3. Boundary Control -- Violating children's privacy
We did not have locks on our bedroom doors (it was an old historic home), my parents did not knock when they entered our room and my room was always subject to a surprise "jail toss" .
4. Social Control -- Interfering in the choices of friends and dates, discouraging contact with non-family members
I was not allowed to be friends with certain people and could only associate with them at school, when my parents had no control. I was pushed to date certain boys, although I rebelled on that one.
5. Decision Control -- Dominating school, career and major life choices, second-guessing or ridiculing children's choices
When I was in 8th grade, my father sent away for and made me review college pamphlets and applications to Julliard, New England Conservatory and Eastman School of Music. He insisted that it was never too early to get serious about college. My mother actually stuck up for me on this one when I broke down in tears over it.
When I wanted to join Young Life, the once-a-week bible study that happened during the alloted religious instruction time at school, my parents discouraged it and insisted that I was lying and only wanted to get out of school to sneak off to breakfast at McDonald's.
When I wanted to become a cheerleader, my parents laughed at me and told me that I was uncoordinated... and why the sudden desire to do something with sports? I had to beg them to sign the permission slip and had to practice my jumps in the back yard in the dark, so that they wouldn't mock me. I made Varsity, by the way.
6. Speech Control -- Dictating when and how children speak, compulsively correcting grammar or forbidding certain words, prohibiting dissent or questions
This one is pretty much a running theme that never stopped. I was not allowed to dissent and still am not. The book actually says that the parent "views dissent as a sin." Pretty much right on the mark. My father constantly corrected grammar. When it became popular to use "go and "went" in place of "said" (ex: He goes, 'What do you want to do?' and I went, 'I don't care.'), I was forbidden to use it. We were also forbidden to use the word "can't."
7. Emotion Control -- Overriding, dictating, ridiculing or discounting emotions
I wasn't allowed to be angry. Ever. It was disrespectful.
8. Thought Control -- Attempts to regulate morals, values and tastes, Parental philosophies of life delivered as dogma, Overzealous attempts to discourage new ideas
Again, a running theme that has haunted me into my own parenting.
9. Bullying -- Physical violence or harassment, verbal or emotional abuse, Intimidation, Prohibiting children from defending themselves
Uh. Yeah. I think you get this one, too. I was not allowed to throw up my hands when my father hit me with the belt or I would get it again. I remember one time around 15 years old, running up the stairs and into my room, begging him to not hit me. I ran into my room, pushed my dresser in front of my door and he broke the door down. I climbed under my bed and screamed at him to stop. My mother? Oh, she did nothing.
10. Depriving -- Withdrawing affection and attention when displeased, withholding warmth and encouragement
This is how they have always handled when I have "talked back", up to adulthood. They withhold love and contact. When we would have a fight, my parents wouldn't speak to me for days other than, "Pick up your backpack" or "We're taking your brother to soccer." My mother did not allow me to do my own laundry, and when we had arguments she would stop doing my laundry for days. When I was 18, I was the lead in the high school musical. They decided that they weren't going to drive me to practice anymore and I had to walk 5 miles on a highway into practice, arriving over an hour late. My opposite lead made himself responsible for getting me there from then on.
11. Confusing -- Unclear rules, mixed message, erratic behavior, baffling communication
My parents would give me permission to go somewhere (movies, a friend's house, a date) and would tell me at the last minute that I couldn't go. When I would protest and ask why, they would always claim that they thought that I was trying to pull something past them and that they didn't trust me. They would tell me that they thought that I was trying to sneak to a party to smoke or drink. I pretty much started doing just that shortly afterwards. If I was going to be accused of the crime, I might as well enjoy the act of doing it.
12. Manipulation -- Shaming, scapegoating and a host of other disingenuous techinques
I was always told that the reason that I got hit with the belt was because I couldn't follow the rules. When my mother gave me a black eye on the day before my Junior year of high school, I was told that I had to tell a lie: that I walked into a door. (dear God, could that be more textbook? And my mother had been a social worker that worked with abused kids!) When a friend went to the Principal and told him what really happened, I was almost removed from my home. My mother shamed and embarrassed me that I did not stick to the story and that "you know that it was an accident. I hit you with my ring and you bruise easily." Again... could this be more textbook?
In doing this soul-searching, I finally realized why I ended up with J, an abusive relationship after high school:
"Distortions of Relating
If closeness was dangerous, or if you were infantilized for too long... You may unwisely trust others or be unable to trust at all. You may see others as threats or as saviors - not simply as people."
The last two methods of the Dirty Dozen (Confusion and Manipulation) make up what the book calls "Truth Abuse".
Some of the techinques:
Scapegoating -- labelling one child as the source of all family problems. Scapegoating is a distraction that hides parental responsibility. I was always told that it was my fault that I was hit.
Erratic behavior -- Mercurial moods and unpredicatble, dramatic behavior that gives parents the freedom to act however they want...children grow up second-guessing and blaming themselves. I have already touched on this in the "Confusing".
Triangulating -- Unfairly involving children in marital matters, such as by confiding marital problems behind a spouse's back.
My mother did this constantly. As a child, she wouldn't go into detail but would use me as a way to get out of the house and shop. I was dragged around those dungeonous 80s malls and would have claustrophobic panic attacks in them and sit outside the store while my mother would spend to fill whatever void was caused by the latest argument with my father. Then, she would tell me not to tell him that the clothes were in the trunk. A month later, she would bring them into the house and, when my father asked where she got it, she would reply, "I've had this."
When I was a teenager, I was constantly dragged into the middle of physical fights between my father and mother.
Growing up, my mother never had more than the occasional glass of wine at Christmas. When I was newly engaged at 24, she started drinking heavily. As an adult, she would call me drunk and cry about how she thought that a friend was making the moves on my father. I talked to him about it and told him that he needed to resolve this with her. She called me again, drunk and crying, that I had betrayed her. The week after our honeymoon, when I was 26, she called to tell me that this woman, in a drunken stupor (because drinking was all that they had in common with this couple), had asked to have my father's baby. About a year later, I discovered that they were all buddy-buddy again. I told her that I did not want to hear anything more about that couple or their issues with that couple.
Martyrdom -- Playing the role of martyr by using phrases such as "If it weren't for you", "I do so much for you", "This is your fault", or "How dare you!" Martyrs tug on children's innate love for their parents... Rather than let their parents down, they feel compelled to do a dance of caring anytime a parent plays the martyr.
This has never stopped. Things happen TO both of my parents. They never have a role in it. And, when I "left home", I did it to them. When I argued against their suggestion to put cereal in Conor's bottle at 8 weeks old (which was my right to do), they were the ones who suffered a great injustice. When they called Conor a "little Hitler" at Christmas 2006 and Rick defended with the one sentence, "That's not nice", they were broken-hearted at how THEY had been treated for Christmas.
And, of course... Thanksgiving 2008.
The book also compares destructive cults to controlling families. Some of the main manipulations include:
- Give approval when pleased but withhold affection when displeased
- Scapegoat and play children against each other
- Stress compliance to rules and rituals that, no matter how mundane or odd, must be followed to the letter
- Silence disagreements by labelling dissent as "sin"
- Parents foster "truth abuse" by denying their destructive actions and being unwilling to discuss them even years later
- Parental needs, morals or relationships are seen as all important
- Parents have little tolerance for the gray areas in life
- Parents confuse their children with mixed messages or simply answer "Because I say so"
- Parents violate children's privacy by searching rooms, opening doors without warning, eavesdropping
- Parents feel they own their chilredn and can treat them as they like
- Parents rarely admit their mistakes
- Parents treat their children as second-class citizens
That last one was a huge smack in the head and made me realize something. If Conor had not been born with autism and I was not forced to look in the face of adversity and individualism, I probably never would have broken this cycle. If Conor had been neurotypical, I would probably have allowed (and even adopted) the controlling methods of my parents. Perhaps the abuse would not have happened (God, I hope not), but I think that my guilt to make my child "perfect" for my parents would have overridden my inherent logic to be a guide, not a boss, to Conor. Even though I knew in my heart that it was all wrong and I was mistreated, the "internalized parent" (basically, the brainwashing) would have taunted me and compared me to my parents' unrealistic and idealistic descriptions of my angelic behavior during childhood. I would have felt like a failure as a parent because Conor was not living up to this unachievable standard, and I would have undoubtedly damaged him and continued the cycle.
The book repeats this mantra:1. You aren't responsible for what youre parents did to you, they are.
2. You are responsible for what you do with your life now, your parents aren't.
Other sections that hit me in the face were:"In essence, controlling parents brainwash with a one-two-three-four punch:
1. Creating an environment hostile to growth
2. Blaming their children for creating the environment
3. Criticizing their children when the children suffer the consequences of the environment the parents created
4. Denying doing any of this."
-and-"You are not crazy.
You didn't make it up.
Overcontrol really happened.
It was painful and destructive.
You could not help but internalize controlling parental voices.
If you could not help but internalize controlling voices, then many of your self-criticisms, fears, and doubts are not yours, nor are they your true voice. They are merely messages from your internalized parents. They are relics from a controlled past. They are simply bad habits. And you can change them."
I guess what proves that the brainwashing is there is that I had to stop the chatter inside my head that said, But, my parents claim that I'm overexaggerating. What would they think of this book? Without even realizing it, I was still seeking their approval: Approval that it was okay to accept that they were controlling and that these things DID happen to me.
For the first time, I guess I owe a "thank you" to autism. It saved my boy. If anyone else is struggling with this, or thinks that they are, click on this chart.
Don't let one more day go by where you repeat the damaging cycle of your past. Our kids don't have to end up in their mid and late 30s like us, trying to heal their inner child because of our damaged inner child.
R and I laughed out loud when we saw them. I think you can actually hear me say on the Christmas video, "What a joke."