I'm not sure who is the bigger idiot: my brother for writing this piece of trash, or ME for actually thinking that doing the right thing towards them would yield a positive result.
Remember that I wrote a simplistic apology email and took responsibility for my own actions, stating that I did not have to react the way that I did.
Apparently, it is all my fault; what I did, what they did. Of course it is. But, the way that things are "remembered" is beyond stunning. I chose the wrong time to force my child to eat an unfavored food (did he forget his unsolicited opinion on how 'we ate what we were given', which I was actually trying to do so that I could avoid an altercation??), I reprimanded and slapped C for not eating potatoes (neeeeeever happened and has never been how we approach a food aversion with C), I attacked my mom (so, how did the container of corn muffins that I had in my arms end up on the floor in front of the front door? Did my mother forget that she came running up behind me, grabbing my entire head of hair as I was leaving her house and I defended myself? Or, did she leave that small, little detail out when crying the blues to my brother?), I attacked my brother (how, exactly, did I get so close to him that I was able to place my hand around his neck and push him across the room? Could it be because he was spitting in my face as he screamed at me?) and I'm just one, big bully and horrible mother. Oh, and Biblethumper, apparently (though I can't ever recall a time where I would have even bothered to quote scripture to my brother, who turned his back on the church years ago.)
Ironically, I was just speaking with M, one of my oldest and dearest friends (of 20+ years), today who asked me, "I don't understand why you felt the need to apologize for anything. They're not ever going to change. You need to walk away." And then I get this in my inbox.
I should know better, but when three people (three family members) are all telling you, "You're crazy", you start to believe it a little bit. You start to question every single relationship in your life and wonder if this is how you are actually perceived to others; to friends.
Incidentally, this email was undeniably coached by my mother. It has her handiwork written all over the style, especially the incorrect use of commas. I also tend to think that someone either showed them or talked to them about what I wrote on my blog or in a private email about that day. This email is awfully contrived, answering questions and allegations that I never addressed in my apology email... but were definitely posed on my blog.
Anyway, on with the show.
Calendula,
I have been thinking about how I wanted to respond to your letter since I received it. I am still not sure of what I want to say. One thing I do want to say is that your perception of what caused me to leave the table was not accurate. At no point did I, have I or will I blame your son for anything that happens. I got up from the table because of the tension that was being caused. I have nothing but love for your son and for you to think that I am intolerant of him or his special needs and circumstances, just shows me how much you don't know me. I left the table because of you.
On a daily basis I was in an environment that I don't wish on my worst enemies. The last thing I needed was more tension and turmoil. I know everyone has their own set of problems so I don't choose to share much of mine with other people. So that being said, you couldn't have known, that I would not be able to handle what was happening at dinner. In regards to that; there is a time and a place where broadening your sons pallet would be more then acceptable regardless of the reaction or consequences. Thanksgiving dinner is neither the time nor the place. When you started to raise your voice with C followed by a quick slap to the face, I tried to make light of it but all that happened is my stomach started having problems. This was not only from the elevated tension but from the gagging and the soon to follow vomit which thank God I didn't see. Did I get up with an attitude...Yes, and I admit that, but not because of C, again it was because of you.
You stated in your letter that "I did not have to choose to react and respond" by saying this you have quickly placed the blame and the cause of the whole incident on someone else. In order for there to be a reaction there has to be an action. So if I play things backward from the blow up, mom started getting yelled at by you, dad left the table because of the gagging and vomit, C was gagging and vomited, you forced C to eat potatoes,I left the table because of the tension and the discipline, C was being reprimanded and slapped, you slapped and reprimanded C for not eating the potatoes, C was pitching a fit because you were trying to force him to eat potatoes, you were forcing C to eat potatoes which you knew he didn't want to. No matter which way you look at it you put the whole thing in motion. I am saying it straight out so there can be no questions of my meaning, YOU are to blame for the whole thing. You were the action that caused the numerous reactions including your own.
Calendula, for as long as I can remember you have always been very loud and outspoken. That for some reason is who you are. I personally do not enjoy being around you. I feel terrible saying that but I am being truthful about my feelings. I was not going to come to Thanksgiving because I wanted it to be a relaxing day and I knew if you were there I would not be relaxed. I don't know if it is the sheer volume that you do everything in, or the high energy, or the feeling of chaos I get when I am around you. All I know is that I am very tense when our whole family is together. There is this feeling that I have to walk on eggshells when I'm around you and I won't do it anymore.
I want to make this very clear, I do not hold any grudges against you for anything in the past. I have moved way past that crap. Everything I feel currently is based on the time that has been spent since we have all lived in Florida. We have gone through times where we have gotten along great and times where we didn't. Most of the times we haven't is because you have gotten overly upset because you thought your child was being mistreated or misunderstood. I understand that C is the love of your life but everyone is not out to get him especially not me. Do I agree with the way you handle some of the things with C? No, but it is not my place to say and I don't have a child so anything I say will be ignored anyway. The problem is Calendula, that nobody can have an opinion that is different then yours. You say we will just have to agree to disagree but the way it is said and the attitude and feeling behind it makes it painfully clear that your opinion is the only one that matters. I have a hard time being around someone that I feel is a bully. You said a number of years ago that I was a bully to your son. I have never bullied anyone in my life. I have been bullied which is why I won't do it to anyone. You however are a bully. You have always been and probably always will be. You force your way and opinions on everyone and if they don't go along with you, you make it very unpleasant to be around you. That may not be the physical bully everyone thinks of but a mental bully is just as bad and sometimes worse. I spend most of my time biting my tongue because I don't want to start a fight, especially since mom doesn't get us all together very often, but someone needs to knock you down a few pegs and I am sorry I probably won't be there to see it when it happens. You want to quote scriptures and talk bible when it is convenient. Did Jesus force his ideas on people? Does God for that matter? People are given a choice to make their own decisions even as far as if they want to believe or follow God. Now if the most powerful thing that man has ever known can let people choose their own way, why do you have such a problem with it? Are you better then them? Until you start to practice what you preach, don't ever quote scripture to me again. I don't want to hear it from you.
Calendula, I will say this, and I am going to try and put this in a non threatening way because it is not a threat. You are never to touch mom, dad or myself in anger again. We are grown adults and whether you like what we are doing or saying or not, getting physical is not to happen again.
I give R a lot of credit and commend him for coming into the room to defend his wife. I am glad to know that he will defend and protect you when it is needed. Unfortunately in this case you didn't need to be protected, we did.
Calendula, I didn't start yelling at you. You came into the room and started to scream in my face. I calmly asked you "why are you yelling at me?" more then once, then I got loud. You put your hands on me, so I shoved you. Calendula, you need to remember that I was brought up not to hit a women, but if you go to far I will defend myself and at this point, with mom and dad at the ages they are, I will defend them too.
I guess the question that I need an answer to is this, did my getting up from the table upset C or you? Since I already know the answer, I'm curious what affect you think your actions had on C. I did nothing to harm or upset your son, but what you did very well may have left a life long impression. You should thank God that my girlfriend took C outside to play so that he didn't have to witness the insanity that ensued. Another question, what did mom do that warranted you blasting her for dad and I leaving the table? Why did you have to get angry and raise your voice? Why did you have to get physical? Why would you try to hit and kick me? Why did you have to let the whole neighborhood know there was a problem in our family? Why would you drag mom down to the ground by her hair? Why did you have to threaten to kill me? Calendula, you were intentionally trying to hurt. I am not sure why you have so much anger in you, but if it is about the past you need to let it go. If it is about something else you need to figure out what it is and deal with it. If I reacted in the same manner that was being projected, the fight with you would have been much shorter but then R and I would have been the ones settling things. If that is what you're trying to accomplish then bravo because it almost happened. Something snapped in your mind and you lost all control of yourself. Calendula, you need to figure out what is going on in your mind before any of us can even start to.
Asking for forgiveness from me is unnecessary. I forgave you along time ago before this even happened. The sad thing is I forgive you every time I am around you because I know that the person that I see is not who you really are. Somewhere in there is a beautiful, caring, understanding, sympathetic, loving sole. I think she has been lost for a very long time and hasn't been able to find her way out. Some day I hope to see her or meet her again.
None of what I have said is intended to hurt or offend you. I hope you can just see it for what it is, my feelings and my opinion right or wrong.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness,
goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
- Galatians 5:22-23
Love,
Your Brother
So, I was absolutely right: they've all been sitting around and trash-talking me and twisting the story until it made sense for them in their narcissistic minds.
This entire email is one big hypocritical, contradictory line of bullshit. I especially like how he says that he hopes that someone knocks me down a few pegs (and wishes he could be there to see it) and, in the next breath, tells me how he forgave me a long time ago before this happened. But, my favorite part has to be the line about how he was raised not to hit a woman... by the man who not only hit his daughter with a belt until the day she left home at 18 but his own wife. Ooh, dirty little secrets that I bet he wouldn't want out. Yes, he used to hit my mother. It wasn't a daily thing, but does that matter? That, my friends, is a bully.
I admit it. I can't fix this. I am walking away and closing the door for good. Another dear friend told me, "You need to do absolutely nothing. You have been their scapegoat for years and now they're twisting C into the center of it. When they all realize that things still suck, you won't be there to blame anymore." That really spoke volumes to me. Sadly, Istill don't think that they'll get it even then. It won't be my fault anymore, but it still won't be theirs. I just have to accept that it is not MY mission to get them to look in the mirror.
Lies or not? It still hurt, though.
