Friday, April 17, 2009

Reponse

Sigh. I have to accept this. I received an email response from my mother:



Dear Calendula,

I forgave you the minute you walked out the door, on Thanksgiving Day.

I, too, have been praying for healing for our family everyday, as well as praying over you, R & C.

I have put my trust in God, and in His perfect timing, knowing that He alone knows each of our hearts. My prayer has been, and will continue to be until God calls me home, that our family will come to know healing and finally peace.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt, and prayer filled, email. It means more to me than you can imagine.

I've tried to tell you, all of your life, how much I love you.

I pray that someday you will come to know the depth of my love for you.

You are my child, my first born. I knew you, and loved and wanted you, from the moment you were conceived. I carried you under my heart for nine months, and when you were born you came out from under my heart and went into my heart.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Mom


Oh, and she cc'd both my father and my brother.

I am trying so very hard not to judge and, instead, to look at the plank in my own eye. The email spoke to my forgiveness, but of course did not once mention her wrongdoings or ask for forgiveness for her responsibility. And, the email said the same stuff that it always says. They're words. The same words.

My mother also called my cell phone while C and I were taking a nap. I plagued over whether to call her back. I finally decided that I would, at the least, call her and let her know that I knew that I had missed her call. I don't want to play games. Well, I get her on the phone and I tell her that I saw that she had called while C and I were napping (and I clearly sound like a frog, since I'm pretty ill right now) and she told me that it was an accident and she hit the wrong button. Seriously? In 5 months, she hasn't accidentally hit that button but hit it today of all days? I told her that I just wanted to call her back and that I had gotten her email. Her response was that she has always loved me and someday she hopes that I'll understand just how much. I simply responded that I did understand that. She then told me that she was in the grocery store, it probably wasn't the best place to talk and that she hadn't meant to call because she wanted to respect my space. I thanked her and said goodbye.

Silly me. Part of me hoped that, even though she just can't seem to accept that she is responsible for her own actions, she would still want to have a pleasant conversation and would want to talk with C. Nope.

I need to keep praying.

About Forgiveness

Forgiveness, as a Christian, is a funny thing. It is not something that comes naturally to any of us. That doesn't change simply because you know Christ. What does change, however, is that we change from being driven by our own thoughts and emotions and understanding (which we are told not to rely upon because they are unstable and easily influenced) to knowing that we must try to emulate Christ. Why? Because we have been commanded, in love, to do so. Forgiveness is a choice we make through a decision of our will, motivated by our obedience to God and his command to forgive. Why? The Bible instructs us to forgive as the Lord forgave us:

    Colossians 3:13
    Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
    Matthew 18:21-22
    Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times."
    Luke 6:37
    Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.
    Matthew 6:14-16
    For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins
We are to forgive by faith, out of obedience. And, we trust God to do the rest. Isn't that hard? Yep. That's why it's called "faith". Anger doesn't go away, except with lots of prayer. Prayer for that person(s), prayer for ourselves. When we pray, we will begin to see that person as God sees them. He loves that person as much as He loves us, and none of us are without sin. It is not our place to judge that person for their sins. God tells us to drop our sins at his feet and he forgives our sins as far as the east is from the west. When we are tortured by something that we have already asked forgiveness for, He does not remember it. We are supposed to strive to do the same thing. I have been keeping a private blog as a dumping ground for those very things. When something tries to rear its ugly head again, I can go back to that blog and see that I have already written about it and have released it. No more anger over those things. That anger only hurts me.
    Psalm 32:3-5
    When I kept silent,
    my bones wasted away
    through my groaning all day long.
    For day and night
    your hand was heavy upon me;
    my strength was sapped
    as in the heat of summer.
    Then I acknowledged my sin to you
    and did not cover up my iniquity.
    I said, "I will confess
    my transgressions to the LORD"—
    and you forgave
    the guilt of my sin.
And, that's where I am. I decided to write an apology to my parents and brother. When I first told a close friend, she became angry for me. She wanted to know why I am always the one who reaches out. Why I always feel as if I have to "fix" things. Why I think that I need to apologize for anything? I explained that, for the first time, this was different. The other times, I was doing it for me. For approval. To heal discord. To mend a bridge for C. This time, I was doing it because this is what Christ requires of me. I must ask, with a pure heart, for forgiveness. Let's face it: I am not innocent in the things that happened on Thanksgiving. I could have walked away peacefully. No matter what they said or did (and no matter how wrong it was), I DID NOT HAVE TO REACT. But, I did. And now, I must atone for that to God. I must ask for forgiveness. What they do with that is up to them. They don't have to forgive me. In fact, I doubt that they will. But, I am only accountable to one place: my job is to do right by God.

Here is the letter:

Dear Dad, Mom and S:
I have been praying about this situation since it happened. First, I prayed for my anger to dissolve, so that I could respond with an open heart. Second, I prayed that God would give me the words and the timing to reveal my responsibility in all of this.
I wanted to write to all of you to let you know that I have been praying that God sets all of our hearts free from the anger, resentment and hurt and that I don't want you to think that I believe what happened on Thanksgiving was everyone's fault but my own. I realize that we are all responsible for our own actions, I did not have to choose to react and respond in the ways that I did and I am truly sorry for my actions and ask for all of you to forgive me.
Our church recently had a women's conference, with the topic being "agapao", or the unselfish and sacrifical love that God gives us and that we should try to emulate. 1 Corinthians 13 tends to be an overused scripture and was used during the conference, but what struck me was "it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs." I certainly have not been living up to that in my love for the three of you.
I am not ready for get togethers or discussions because I haven't quite figured out how to keep from getting offended when things happen regarding the lack of understanding or tolerance about C or our feelings about him, but I wanted to ask for your forgiveness in my part of what happened on Thanksgiving and now I'm trusting God to do the work in us that needs to be done so that the forgiveness will be complete.
I do love all of you.
Calendula