Saturday, August 11, 2007

Barely acknowledging C's 5th birthday


The "package" arrived today. It was sent Priority Mail. Note the date on the postage. That means that it was mailed on his actual birthday. Well, he doesn't know or feel the difference anyway, right? Pathetic.


Even more pathetic? The contents:

3 race cars (Conor didn't give them a second glance)
A Sesame Street coloring book (he neither colors nor cares about Sesame Street)
A Tonka Color-Along Sound Activity book (again, not into coloring and not interested in pressing buttons to hear toddler music)

Yes, they know their grandson so well.

The best part? The card. They're proud and hope to see him REAL SOON! What a terrific joke.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

More me-me-me from you-know-who

Hello!

Finished the Zpack on Sunday, however I am still dealing with alot of dizzyness and off balance issues. I am still taking the decongestant, 2x per day. I finish that on Saturday. I absolutely hate feeling the way that I do - but I'm thankful that this is all I have to deal with, at this point in my life!! Could be so much worse, I know.

How exciting that C will be getting his two-wheeler for his 5th b-day. Reminds me of his Mommy's and his Uncle S's 5th b-day!! Wonderful memories.

Don't know about Labor Day weekend - since I will be just returning from Syr. - which I must confess I am so excitedabout!!! M, L, E & I have been making plans ever since I booked my flights!

I'll be with L (& her little ones), E & C & M the night I arrive and then M & I are going to the "Great N.Y. State Fair" on Friday. (We are going to see "Poco" & Pure Prarie League"!!!) Saturday, we're all meeting at E's camp and re-creating our favorite photo that was taken of the 3 of us when we were little kids! We are all so excited about doing this!!!

Sunday, M & I are driving over to see Grandpa & Grandma. Things are not well - and I am going over to visit and talk to them. Uncle J (& R) are meeting me there. M & I are then heading up to Saratoga (or Tanglewood in the Bershires) for the night.

Monday is "shopping day" in Syr.!!! Can't wait!! Kauffman's, Lord & Taylors, Bonwit Tellers, Bergdorf's, etc., etc., etc. Hello Carousel Mall!!!!!

Sorry............Can you tell that I'm excited about going "back home"!!!!

I'll call C, on your cell, on his b'day!

I'm sure that it will be a Very Special Day for all of you!

Love,
mom


Sunday, August 5, 2007

My parents are losers

Before you read this, keep in mind that both of my parents have cell phones and my mother has a work phone AND an assistant to take her calls (should she have wanted to call from work within the last 3 weeks.)

Sent this morning at 11:40 am:

Hello,

I'm sorry that it took so long for me to respond to your "vox" email. The past two weeks have been a little different - to say the least.

Long story short.................

We had a pretty severe storm on July 20th and lost our phone, internet and cable. Dad was a little frustrated because he had to leave for Dallas on Monday, for Part II, of the consultation project and a tech wasn't available until Tues. 7/24, at 6:30pm. When the tech finally left, at 9:00pm, I thought everything was fixed - however it wasn't! I was on the phone with a tech from 10:30pm until almost midnight. I wound up frustrated and told him that my husband would contact them when he returned from his business trip. Mind you - Dad wasn't going to return until the evening of 8/3! Needless to say - Dad was able to resolve the problem with Verizon, yesterday, so we are now "connected to the outside world"!

In the meantime - I was scheduled to fly to Dallas to meet Dad for a long weekend - which was last weekend. Last Thursday, mid-morning as I was getting ready to go to the airport, I became very dizzy and felt very off balance. I thought that it was because I really hadn't eaten much the day so I grabbed something to eat, thinking that would help. It didn't. So, I then thought it was my sinuses, so I took a Bendaryl. That didn't touch it either, but I thought it would get better once I relaxed and was on the flight - which it didn't.

I spent the weekend very dizzy, and unsettled, and actually spent a few days laying down hot packing my sinuses and pouring saline solution up my nose - to help eleviate the pressure and pain. All I wanted to do was go home, and go to the Dr.

I flew home Tuesday and had hoped the Dr. would be able to get me in the afternoon, but they were booked, so I was able to get an appt. late Wed. a.m. It appears I have a major sinus and ear infection -which explains the dizzyness and "off balance" feeling. They put me on a pretty strong Zpack and anit-biotic. Interesting - one of the side effects of both - is dizzyness!

I couldn't stay home from work, and I had to pick Dad up at the airport (Tampa) on Friday - so needless to say - the past 10 days have been pretty miserable.

I still feel dizzy and a little unsteady, but it's better than it was and it helps to have Dad back home!

I'm not sure what we are going to be able to do, this week, in regards to C's b'day. I'll definitely make sure that there is a "package" in the mail for him on his birthday, butI'll have to figure out when we can come over to see him. Fortunately, I know that he won't know, or feel, the difference if we aren't there on or around his birthday.

Dad has an all day seminar, at school, on Friday and all teachers have to be back on Monday (8/13). I know that Dad wants me to help him, this week, shop for his "new school clothes" and supplies. We're just waiting until the dizzyness subsides so that I can stand up without having to lean against a doorway or wall!!

Dad & I will try to figure out a way that we will be able to come to see, and spend some time, with C to celebrate his turning 5!!!

Love,
me


Thursday, August 2, 2007

Noodle Salad

When I get comments or emails from people who say something eluding to my forgiving/resolving/improving relations with my parents and what they did, I always think of this particular scene in As Good As It Gets. This is one of my favorite movies for so many reasons, but this scene tops the list.

Some families have arguments, rifts, disagreements and are able to resolve them by someone (whether in the wrong or not) saying, "Hey, I'm sorry. I love you. Let's start from here." Some families have the "good times, noodle salad". I fall into the other category that Melvin mentions: "Just no one in this car."

I can't tell you how many times I've said, "Hey, I'm sorry. I love you. Let's start from here." Lest we forget, the last time I attempted to say "I love you" to my mother during a heated situation, she yelled, "No you don't! No you don't! You love yourself!"

The line that comes next in the scene above is, "What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good." I talk about it to get it off my chest. But, I cannot change it. There is nothing that I can do to make things better. Like I said before, I'm not delusional. But, yes. I'm pissed that so many others had it good.

In 1998, I read a book called, Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. My parents blurred into almost every category of toxic parent. Reading this book was like reading an autobiography.
The only two that they managed to escape were the alcoholic/drug and sexual abusers. Here is an excerpt from the section on confronting your toxic parent:

Confronting Your Toxic Parent: What to Expect

Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect you feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defenses that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

  • "It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety will undoubtedly us it during confrontation to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

    YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

  • "It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behavior. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offenses against them.

    YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me when I was a child".

  • "I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

    YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me to make a better relationship."

  • "We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties without invalidating your own.

    YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

  • "Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behavior. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get," or "nothing was ever enough for you."

    YOUR RESPONSE: I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ....

  • "How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realize that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

    YOUR RESPONSE: I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too.

At various times, I have been told:

I don't remember that.
That's not how that happened.
We weren't dysfunctional. You just couldn't follow the rules.
You deserved the punishments that you got.
Everyone knew what a problem you were.
The black eye your mother gave you was an accident.
You'll never know or understand what we did for you.
I think you're forgetting the times I stood up for you and tried to stop your father from hitting you.
(when was this? She would disappear when my father would bring out the belt)
We gave you everything and this is the thanks we get.
We were more than willing to pay for your college when you were supposed to go.
How could you lay this on us?
I think you're forgetting that we went overboard on your wedding AND had to pay for the rehearsal dinner because Rs family paid for nothing.
(let me interject and say that we invited 27 out of the 250 guests at our wedding and 5 of them were in the wedding party, 3 were members of R's family and the other 19 were friends.)


Let me tell you who this horrible child of theirs was:

Straight A student
First chair flute
Band librarian
varsity cheerleader
lead in the high school musical
President of the church youth group
Held a 20 hr a week part time job
Regents diploma recipient
Who's Who Among American High School Students
Offered full tuition scholarship to a state university
Offered partial scholarship to a private school

You see, this goes wayyyyyyy beyond any grudges or issues that I hold. This has been going on for years. So, on the forefront, Yes: I tell them that they are welcome to visit at any time. I reach out and continue to call when I can stomach the me-me-me talk. And, I put on a pleasant facade when I deal with them. But, this does not take away the fact that they don't call. They don't visit. They make judgemental comments and throw a temper tantrum if asked to refrain from doing so. At 28 years old, I accepted that I was not ever going to have a healthy relationship with the people who brought me into this world. At 37 years old, though I accept it, I still don't like it. And, sometimes I need to write about it.