C's birthday is coming up. He'll be 5. Three weeks ago, I reached out and called my mother to ask if they were planning on coming over at some point to celebrate his birthday. She basically hemmed and hawed and told me, "Your father and I were just discussing that. He will have just gotten back into town from Dallas (I guess he has had some sort of summer consulting job through a friend of theirs -- this friendship is a whole other post for another day...) on the 7th and I know he has to go back to school (mid life career change: he is a middle school teacher)sometime after that. I'm not sure when, I think it is that following Monday."
I replied, "School begins here on the 20th, and the teachers usually have to be back a week prior, which would be the 13th."
She said, "Yeah, so.... we're not sure what we're going to do."
(not sure whether they can drive 2 and 1/2 hours on a Saturday to celebrate his birthday when my father has to go back to work that Monday??)
I said, "Well, I just wanted to let you know that we're not having a birthday party, so you don't have to try and plan around anything like that."
She said, "Well, last year you had his party on a Friday night and it didn't affect us coming over on that Saturday, anyway."
I said, "Yes, I know. But, I'm letting you know that there isn't anything to plan around at all."
(I wanted to take away every excuse that they had)
She then said, "Well, we were thinking that we might be able to come over on C's actual birthday and then leave around dinner time." (this is a common thing with them since C was about 3 weeks old, because they like to escape before R gets home.)
I said, "Well, let me know."
I HAVE NOT HEARD ANYTHING FROM THEM.
This pisses me off to no end, for numerous reasons. First and foremost, I think it is just insanely inconsiderate that she couldn't make a phone call and confirm whether they're going to come and visit or not. I don't know why I'm so surprised, since my brother actually did this to me last year. I told him that my parents were coming over on that Saturday and C's little friend party was that Friday, so he wouldn't have to be subjected to that. Was he coming? He was completely non-committal (like my parents are being now) and never even bothered to call. He just didn't show up. Now, I realize that he lives an hour farther south than my parents, making his drive a bit long. But, it is his only nephew and I was asking for a visit once that year. He couldn't be bothered to come or call. The next time I spoke with my brother was at my parents' house for Thanksgiving. Then, I called him on his birthday in December and he reciprocated in March. I haven't even bothered to call him since then and wouldn't even waste my breath to invite him for C's birthday.
I have so much spite about this whole thing that I have to push it out and away from me before I implode. Part of me wants to tell them (when they finally do call) that C and I now have plans for his birthday; sorry. Too bad for you. But, R had a wonderful point that my parents love to be the martyrs and look for any type of excuse to do so. I don't want to give that to them.
Part of me wants them not to come at all because it is an enormous amount of stress for me.
And then, there is the part of me that longs to have that understanding family support and relationship. Of course, I'm not delusional. I know that's never going to happen. As far as my parents are concerned, I'm convinced that they think we're just one big defective family. I didn't marry a "suit". I have disappointed them more times than I can count by not following the path that they thought I should. Then, once we had C it was a one-up for them: because they raised two children, they have the market cornered on parenthood. When we didn't bow down and worship their advice, it caused a rift (and this is actually why they no longer like being around R. My parents were visiting, C was colicky, we were looking for a solution online and my mother was insistent that we needed to put cereal in his bottle. At 3 weeks old, I wasn't going to do it. R stood up to my father, who scoffed at his reading information off of the Johnson & Johnson site and said, "What do they know?" to which R respectfully told my father that he was going to do whatever he needed to do to help his child).
The rift became the San Andreas Fault when C was diagnosed with autism. They could no longer blame his actions solely on our "bad parenting". So, I guess C became defective then, too.
I go through a gamut of emotions when I think about the fact that they have not made an effort to see C since Christmas. Part of me should be happy about this, right? After all, I haven't had to worry about biting my tongue at their ignorant and insensitive comments, listening to my mother tell me how much she knows about psychology, watching my father all but ignore C while he sits at the table doing crossword puzzles. But, then the reality sets in: It has beenSEVEN MONTHS since they have seen their only grandchild.
