Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Grab some coffee...

...because this is going to be a long one.


BACKGROUND:

Without getting into elaborate detail, the relationship with my parents has always been tumultuous, at best. Even when we have been "getting along", it was a result of a lot of tongue-biting on my part. I have never graduated to the role of "adult" and am eternally a child in their eyes, which poses the majority of the problem. When I speak my mind or dissent, specifically about their unsolicited views on my life, I am yelled at and told how disrespectful I am (and my father generally throws in a "How dare you talk to your mother like that").

At this point, my parents do what psychologists call "withholding love". Until I comply, apologize, acquiesce, I receive no communication from them. Eventually, my mother starts emailing me small and impersonal snippets after reading something on my blog: Sorry to learn that you were not well - Happy to hear that you are pleased with C's new school and that he is flourishing. This is a complete and direct email from March, when I was being frozen out as a result of the events at Christmas. Long story short, my parents loudly expressed their opinion of C, our parenting technique and how our household is run.

Some of this stems from their perception of their education and experience with autism and parenting. When I was born, my mother was a social worker. She supposedly has an Associates degree in Psychology. I have never seen this diploma and am not even sure if you could actually earn an AA in Psych back in the 70s. When I received my Bachelors and then my Masters, I surpassed their education level. Right around this time, my mother suddenly started talking about her "two degrees" when she would relay conversations that had taken place with others. She finally divulged what the other degree was supposed to be (I never asked): she attended a trade high school and was stating that she has a degree in Fashion, as well.

My father has a Bachelors of Liberal Arts & Humanities. He has changed careers and is now teaching middle school social studies. In this process, he is taking courses to get an Ed degree. He has also had to take some sort of special ed course. He has two middle school Asperger's students in his classes. He is now an expert on autism because he "works with these kids every day" and they both readily tell me this.

One prime example was when C was going into meltdown mode at bedtime on Christmas Day and we kept going upstairs to get him to calm down. My father wanted to know, essentially, why we wouldn't just let him cry it out. I explained that he would work himself up enough to vomit all over his room and my father's reply was, "So? And then what?"

Another such incident occurred when C excitedly came in from swinging after asking R to play with his new Play-Doh and R wasn't moving fast enough for a 4 year old excited kid. So, he yelled, "Play with Play-Doh!!!" and R said, "Okay, hold on a second. I'm getting it." My mother took this opportunity to say, "Well, you're quite the dictator!" No one responded to that comment so she went on, "You're a little Hitler!" R responded to her and said, "That's not nice." Both of my parents went and pouted over that. An hour later, two hours ahead of their original departure time, they decided to leave "because C isn't apparently going to come out of his room to play again since he has his father up there." Ironically, C did come back downstairs within 5 minutes of her comment. Neither one made an attempt to play with C.

I did not hear from them again until New Year's Day when I called them. My mother took the opportunity to launch into a defense for her comment about "Hitler" which, incidentally, no one had brought up since the occurrence. She decided to play the pity card, began her conversation with "Don't get mad at me" and told me how her heart breaks for me because I'm trying to be consistent with C and "his father" (I've been with R for 13 years, but he is suddenly "his father") is clearly not and lets C walk all over him. I let her speak her mind and then very calmly and bluntly told her that it was now her turn not to get mad. I informed her that they are not around enough to form an opinion of anything that goes on in this household because they see a snapshot of what goes on. In fact, when they do make the 2.5 hour trip three times a year (my birthday [which they skipped this year since they were busy freezing me out] , C's birthday and Christmas), it is a special occasion and all bets are off.
It was then that she told me that she needed to go. We didn't speak again until my birthday in March.

However, because I am truly trying to walk the path of Christ, I prayed and forgave and tried to reach out numerous times between my birthday and now. Yesterday was one of those times.

CUT TO YESTERDAY:

Two little girls in the neighborhood came to the door and asked C to come out and play. I thought that was pretty cool stuff. (of course, he didn't play with them once he got outside, but it is a step in the right direction)

I decided to call my mother to tell her and share the news. Although I had to bite my tongue a couple of times while listening to her tell me that C was finally experiencing something "normal", it was a pleasant call, overall.

While on the phone with her, I got a phone call from the Principal of C's school. I talked to the Principal for an hour and it was pretty upsetting stuff. In a nutshell, this aggressive behavior has been happening every day, although it gets worse when the teacher is absent. Mrs. C. relayed to the Principal that C ran across the room yesterday and kicked a classmate in the head during naptime. These behaviors include kicking, hitting, spitting and putting kids in a choke-hold (hugging).
She also explained that the tactics usually implemented in this type of situation are not working with C. We discussed the discipline process whereby C would be sent home if he was not able to calm down enough to behave in the classroom but that this would not be the first option. We also discussed future placement for Kindergarten and I was unaware of an SED (Severely Emotionally Disturbed) class for this age group. I commented that C would most probably learn new behaviors but that he would also do his share of teaching and the Principal told me that C exhibits greater behavior issues than the current SED students.

---kick in the gut---

This spoke volumes to me and it is obviously where he needs to be next year if this behavior does not change.

However, in an attempt to change his behavior now, I spoke with C right before bedtime and reiterated several times this morning before dropping him off: No hitting, no kicking, no spitting, no hugging or Mommy will take away his HHR. This vehicle is currently a prized possession at home. I doubt that this threat will change the behavior in class today, but it just might alter things for Thursday when I take the HHR away this afternoon and he realizes the dire consequences of his behavior carry over to his home privileges.

I sent this information on to Mrs. C. via email and we had a good discussion this morning. She is still a wonderful teacher, the school is still great and I'm hoping and praying that this works.

So, what does this have to do with my mother? Well, when I got off the phone I couldn't relay this to R because he had to read C his stories for bedtime, so I reached out to my mother and called her back, crying my eyes out. It is not easy to hear "Your kid is bad, your kid is bad, your kid is bad" and then spread the icing on the cake with, "Your kid is more out of control at school than the SED kids." I don't see this kid at home. It is devastating.

So, I started the conversation by saying, "I need you to listen without judging, okay?"
She said, "Okay. What's wrong?" I told her everything, bawling my eyes out.
She starts asking me all sorts of questions, starts trying to blame the school problems on R's parenting. Then, tries to blame it on C running our household and being an only child.
A couple of different times I told her that I didn't need to troubleshoot, wasn't looking for answers, just wanted her to listen. I remained calm the whole time. My phone starts to beep, telling me that I'm about to lose juice on my cordless. I tell her this so that she knows that I'm running out of conversation time.
She then starts trying to tell me that we need to be more strict with him at home because he's not used to the rules at school, he needs to be more subservient. I tell her again that I don't need this, that I just need to have her listen.
She tells me that she's not judging, that's she's just trying to help and figure it out.
I tell her that I'm not looking for that.
She tells me that I need to set times for everything, specific dinner times, bathtimes, etc.
I tell her that we already do that and give her an example of that day: he wanted something after his afternoon snack of tortilla chips and I gave him the choice of an apple or pickle. He then wanted dinner at 5:00 and I told him that dinner was at 6:30, but he could eat the other half of his pickle.
She tells me that I should have picked the pickle up, that he shouldn't be able to have it an hour later.
At this point, I was emotionally worn out. I said, "I doubt the fact that he was able to eat a 1/2 a pickle an hour later is the reason he's hitting kids at school."
She starts yammering on about how she's got more parenting experience than me, she's been at this for 37 years and I've been at it for 4 and 1/2.
I stopped her and said that my phone was about to die, I didn't need this tonight, I only wanted her to listen and she interrupted me and started yelling at me and then said, "You know what? I can't win."

At this point (and this is the ONLY time I was disrespectful), I said, "Yeah, make it about YOU. That's not what this is about."

She then said, "I demand that you respect me right now because that's what the Lord commands."

I shut up and just started crying while she yelled at me that she was trying to help, trying to fix things just like I'm trying to fix things with C at school. I kept saying "Okay" but she wasn't letting up. I started trying to interject and tell her that I didn't want her to fix it, I didn't want her to troubleshoot, I just wanted to go and she would yell, "Calendula, STOP. Calendula, STOP." I could not get off the phone and could not get through her head that I didn't need or want her opinions. The whole time that she is yelling at me, my father is saying in the background, "Tell her..." and "Tell her...".
Defeated, I finally said, "I just spent an hour on the phone with the Principal. I can't emotionally handle this tonight, so I'm going to go. I love you -" and she interrupted me and yelled, "No you don't! No you don't! You love yourself!!"

I hung up on her.

I can't do this anymore. Never at any point in my life have I said, "I'm writing them off." But, I'm there now. Yes, the Lord says that I have to forgive seven times seventy times and I'm working on the forgiveness part. But, nothing says that I have to stay in a situation that makes me feel so ridiculously horrible about myself. I am never good enough. C is never good enough. R is certainly not anywhere near good enough. I am not loved unconditionally by my parents because I have obviously missed the mark on their expectations and, at 37 years old, I shouldn't have to meet expectations for my parents anymore. Even when they are not talking to me, I feel horrible about myself because I realize that they are withholding love from me and that makes me wonder why I can't just have parents who support me, love me, cheer me on, have my back no matter what. Whether I'm right or wrong in a situation, I should be able to rely on them as a support system. Yesterday, I needed my mom to tell me that it was okay, that I was okay, that I was a good mom, that C is a good kid. I think it is obvious that I didn't get that.

So. Here we are.